Day 25 of Believing the Girl: Your Body is Yours

More in my on-going correspondence with the wounded little girl that I was, once upon a time. The set of beliefs I’m writing to her about today hits a very tender spot: her body and her sexuality.

Hello again dear one,

I’m back with you again, thinking about the beliefs you formed based early in life, when your boundaries were so thoughtlessly violated, more than once, by more than one person. I know what believe, because just below this surface, this is what I, too, have believed for too long. You believe that this is what girls are supposed to do so men will love them. You believe that if a man approaches you, you cannot turn him away. You believe you can’t refuse a request for sex. You learned that you should be available for anyone who wants you. You should let men do whatever they want sexually; your opinion doesn’t matter. You learned that it’s your job to please men sexually. You believe you are passive, receptive, malleable.

It might seem like I, your grown-up self, am past all that. After all, I’ve been married nearly 15 years to a very dear man, the best husband I could wish for. I haven’t been with anyone else since I met him, and just being with him has been enormously healing for me. I know he would never hurt me. On the contrary, he takes joy in my happiness.

But underneath it all, I know I have been holding on to parts of those beliefs you hold. I know that they are connected to the way I experience desire, to the way I feel about sex, to the way I so often dissociate. I feel sad that I have pulled away from that part of my marriage in recent months. It’s not because I don’t love my husband, but because I don’t want it to happen in a dissociative fog any longer.

It’s time for both of us to let go of those old ways of thinking. It might take us a while, but I think we can do it. We can choose to be the mistress of our own body, attentive to our own needs, feelings and desires. We can see ourselves through our own eyes, not imagined through the eyes of another, checking all the time to see if we are behaving as some one else wants. We can be the subject, not the object.

I wish someone had told you this many years ago, but I will tell you now. It’s your own body, my dear girl. It is yours and you can share it with someone you care about or not share, as you feel moved to do. A man can approach you and come on to you and kiss you or reach for you, and you can think to yourself, “Is this what I want right now?” and it’s okay for the answer to be no.

I know that you have so often berated yourself for not fighting back, sometimes not saying a clear no when you wanted to or not really even asking yourself the question. But you didn’t know how, back then. How could you know, when things happened so early, before you even understood what they were? There’s no shame in not doing something you didn’t know how to do.

But let’s do it differently going forward. It’s your body–our body. It can walk and swim in the river with our silly dogs. It can bike through town or out on the trail. It can feel the sun and the breeze. We can take it to the coast to feel the chilly Pacific Ocean on our toes. We can stretch it out in yoga, noticing our breath. We can dance to all kinds of music. And when we’re ready, we can figure out what it means to be emotionally and physically present for sex. No rush.

I know this is one of the hardest things for you. I know we’ll need to talk about it more. I just wanted to start the conversation.

Love you,


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The image up top is from Amnesty International’s important My Body, My Rights campaign.


  1. Beautifully put. I have started yoga myself in the hope of making a deeper connection with my body (which often feels like a thing out of my control). I am struggling to keep myself present, but gradually improving. It is very challenging, and much more so for you, but everything here sounds wonderfully affirming. If this is only the start to the conversation, I will dare be optimistic for the rest… x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yoga is so healing and I hope that you find the beauty in it as I have. And yes, it is so challenging but if you allow yourself to truly feel instead of going through the motions I believe you will connect with your hurt inner child. Yay you!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I can only second that. Yoga gives you the opportunity to be deeply present in your body. For me, I get the most out of slower versions of yoga that hold poses longer and give me time to really forget that connection.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Q, you are doing such therapeutic work. I, on the other hand i am only gathering info. I had to sit my girl down and make her wait while her adult cleans up the mess she made.
    I don’t know how what happened to my girl affects me exactly. But when I read what you wrote about being married and love and dissociation and yes! I’m just so lost in my mind and in the past. And all the years have gone by. And that relates to what I posted about having hidden my little girl in a deep dark terrible place for years. She was trapped and alone and unheard and scared….and you know the rest.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Some days a therapeutic step forward, some days just a reminder of my general purpose. But even that reminder is helping to keep me on track this month.

      One thing I am finding is that by paying even bit of attention to the girl every day, she’s not as freaked out, so I feel a lot calmer. That’s what I am wishing for you, too.


  3. I relate so much to what you write about sexuality as a choice vs obligation.. such important and often shameful, not talked about topic. Thank you for sharing openly about your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

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