No matter what else is going on in my life, I am still committed to taking care of my wounded girl, my inner child. This is my month to take care of her, every day. I’ve promised to do it, and I want to keep that promise.
On the advice of my therapist, earlier I wrote up a long list of beliefs that the girl took from being abused at about age nine. It was a very long list. I’m trying to pull together some of them that cluster on the same topic. Then I write to her about those beliefs and encourage her to let go of those that cause her pain. Today’s topic is being lovable as she is.
My dear one,
I know you had a lot of intense feelings about what happened to you. I also know that from the experience, you took some beliefs about yourself, many of them painful. One set of beliefs you took was that the experience permanently marked you as twisted, corrupted, different and apart from others. You believed that if people got close to the real you, they might know and be repulsed. You felt you should pretend to be someone else, someone better than you. You should try to be perfect, because if you were perfect, no one would know how twisted you really were. A facade was essential. You weren’t sure exactly what that facade should be, so you often thought you should be different around different people.
That must have been exhausting, trying to be all things to all people. And it must have become confusing, not to be sure of who you really were because you were always putting on the identity you thought others wanted to see. I have to admire that effort as well as your ability to read the ideas of other people and accommodate yourself to them. I also admire your creativity and resourcefulness in coming up with different facades in various settings.
Although I can see why you used this strategy, I am giving you permission to let it go. And here’s why: you don’t need to be anyone other than who you are. You are fine as you are. If you are not perfect, that’s fine. There’s plenty of beauty and goodness in imperfection. If some people don’t like how you are, that’s fine. Different people like different characteristics. You’ll be happiest being with the people who respond to you, to the characteristics that are truly yours.
And most of all, you are not twisted or repulsive. I’ve told you this before. Bad things can happen to you without making you bad. You can feel bad without being bad. You have a beautiful light inside you; I know it’s there, and it’s precious. What I want you to do is to share that light with the world: your light, the light that is uniquely you.
You are fine, truly fine and entirely lovable, the way you are. And I’m happy to keep on telling you that.
Love from your older, wiser self,
Q.
Sage Burning 
That’s beautiful. I wrote to my T just last week about my doing more positive things than she knows. But also that I’m far more messed up than anyone (other than her) knows. So I guess it all balances out.
But it doesn’t, does it? It takes so much energy to fake being well and fine and good when you are falling apart on the inside. I want to let go but I’m so scared.
I’m so happy that you are still committed to believing the girl.
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It is hard to manage the intense emotions, go around your daily life, and try to stay strong to help the little girl. I think you have a particularly challenging time because your husband is so sick. Just hang in there, step by step, even if it’s a tiny step. Don’t forget you are surrounded by people who will revive you!
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I love this precious letting to the girl. I feel the progress in your letters to her. I hope this journey with her brings you both so much peace and freedom!
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Thank you! I do feel like I am making progress too, most days. I realized today as I was out walking with my dogs that I feel emotionally healthier than I have in at least a year. What a gift!
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That’s AWESOME! Keep pushing forward!
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A beautiful letter and so important for her to hear. Something I needed to hear too! Ha! Thanks.
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Reblogged this on GettingrealwithPTSD and commented:
I am borrowing another post from La Quemada because it is an important message for me and anyone who constantly wears facades when out and about in the world….
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Thank you, and I’m so happy you find it meaningful.
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I found your blog today and have been reading a bit… It’s too hard to read all at once. Thank you for all you are sharing. For putting it into words. So many times while reading I have felt that “click” of connected understanding—that moment where I reminded again that I am not alone, and that others are also struggling out of the pit toward a healthy life. Thanks for your courage.
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I’m happy it resonates for you. I’ve only been blogging a few months but am amazed at how much it’s helped me to feel connected to others who know that pit. I like your blog and will be reading to see what else you have to share. (P.S. I have two dogs I’m crazy about so we share that as well.)
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Hurrah for dogs and hurrah for building community!
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