Withdrawal from medication is so hard! When I wake up in the morning, I have some kind of muscle spasms that start deep in my belly and move up my spine. Those pass after a while, but all day long, I feel like there is some kind of strange buzzing, tingly energy underneath my skin. I have a hard time focusing on anything that requires real thought (like work). And I feel separated from reality, like I’m floating in a clear gelatinous solution. I can see the world out there, but my thoughts and movements are slow. People might see me, but as they move around at a normal pace, they also might not notice the big blob of jelly that is stuck, hardly moving, in the corner.
As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been feeling quite alone with this and thought I should make some effort to combat that aloneness. One thing I did was try again to talk to my husband. I’m finding that sometimes when I first reach out to him, he makes a kind response but it doesn’t really register with him. So I have to try again, which is not always easy when my energy is depleted, to communicate, no, really, I am not in a good place! I did that yesterday, and the message reached him. He’s been sweet, checking in on me by text today, and that’s a little bit of comfort.
I also did something else, which I hope I won’t regret. I emailed E, telling her that I was struggling with medication withdrawal, wondering if she had any openings in her schedule that I could slide into. She wrote back
I would be delighted to see you again. I’m glad you are reading out for support. I will make you active again in my online scheduler, so you can look at my openings and select what you want. I am meeting with people in my garden or online, but not indoors.
I look forward to seeing you (as always),
I’m grateful she was warm and unequivocal, and I went ahead and scheduled a session–for this evening. I am looking forward to it, glad I will be talking with someone who knows what this is for me and my whole history of hellish withdrawal. But I have some reservations as well:
- I notice I am kind of hoping for some practical help, but honestly, what can she do? Nothing! And she can’t suggest or teach me something she didn’t already share with me many times over many years.
- I’m afraid seeing her will activate the painful attachment longings that I experienced with her in the past. I’m afraid I will want to feel loved and cared for, but she will say something that makes me feel unseen or dismissed, and then I will obsess on it for days or weeks.
- Where can this go? Nowhere!
And yet, I will go see her in a few hours.