Not Sure This is a Good Idea

Withdrawal from medication is so hard! When I wake up in the morning, I have some kind of muscle spasms that start deep in my belly and move up my spine. Those pass after a while, but all day long, I feel like there is some kind of strange buzzing, tingly energy underneath my skin. I have a hard time focusing on anything that requires real thought (like work). And I feel separated from reality, like I’m floating in a clear gelatinous solution. I can see the world out there, but my thoughts and movements are slow. People might see me, but as they move around at a normal pace, they also might not notice the big blob of jelly that is stuck, hardly moving, in the corner.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been feeling quite alone with this and thought I should make some effort to combat that aloneness. One thing I did was try again to talk to my husband. I’m finding that sometimes when I first reach out to him, he makes a kind response but it doesn’t really register with him. So I have to try again, which is not always easy when my energy is depleted, to communicate, no, really, I am not in a good place! I did that yesterday, and the message reached him. He’s been sweet, checking in on me by text today, and that’s a little bit of comfort.

I also did something else, which I hope I won’t regret. I emailed E, telling her that I was struggling with medication withdrawal, wondering if she had any openings in her schedule that I could slide into. She wrote back

Hi Q,

I would be delighted to see you again. I’m glad you are reading out for support. I will make you active again in my online scheduler, so you can look at my openings and select what you want. I am meeting with people in my garden or online, but not indoors.

I look forward to seeing you (as always),


I’m grateful she was warm and unequivocal, and I went ahead and scheduled a session–for this evening. I am looking forward to it, glad I will be talking with someone who knows what this is for me and my whole history of hellish withdrawal. But I have some reservations as well:

  1. I notice I am kind of hoping for some practical help, but honestly, what can she do? Nothing! And she can’t suggest or teach me something she didn’t already share with me many times over many years.
  2. I’m afraid seeing her will activate the painful attachment longings that I experienced with her in the past. I’m afraid I will want to feel loved and cared for, but she will say something that makes me feel unseen or dismissed, and then I will obsess on it for days or weeks.
  3. Where can this go? Nowhere!

And yet, I will go see her in a few hours.


  1. I don’t remember who manages your mrds, but if you don’t have a competent psychiatrist**

    ** Roo many want to do the “safe” thing of “stay on your meds”, which can be very important yes, but few of them actually monitor the invisible effects on blood glucose and lipids of many psych meds that aren’t lithium and not high dose anti-psychotics.


    • I hit send too fast because I got brain fog. I meant, maybe E knows a psychiatrist or another professional who can help with the taper.


      • I don’t have a psychiatrist at the moment, but i have two different clinics where I have submitted requests to be seen. One of them actually emailed me back last week and said they have a psych nurse practitioner who helps people get off meds and who can do an intake with me. They sent me a ton of paperwork and gave me no indication of how long I may have to wait for an appointment, but I am crossing my fingers and hoping I might get in next week. (That may be too optimistic, I don’t know???)

        Liked by 1 person

    • I agree–but easier said than done! Therapy is such a vulnerable place, and inevitably the deep work triggers old wounds, and we start seeing the therapist as some version of our early caregivers, or as a substitute or replacement parent or our rescuer or something. It’s really difficult, maybe impossible, not to have some of the transference (and countertransference) come up.

      Liked by 1 person

    • No, but it’s nice, isn’t it? I found it on Unsplash, Credit goes to Pawel Czerwinski. I should have put that in–I used to be more careful about including the credit for the photo art I add to my posts. Thanks for asking about it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope your session was what you needed. Sometimes, as you say, just being able to talk with someone that ‘knows’ you can really help. I’m not surprised given how difficult it’s been reducing this medication that you might just need a safe space to put the bags down for a while. Thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

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