I wrote up two pages to take to therapy with me tomorrow, listing out things I want to discuss with E. Some of it is the sense of disconnection and even disapproval that I wrote about after my last session. Some of it is about feeling stuck in therapy, and the difficulty of making progress when we meet for 45 minutes every week or so.
I have never said anything to her before along the lines of, “this is not working for me,” so it makes me nervous. There’s a part of me that wonders if I am provoking something in preparation for our upcoming separation. She is going on a vacation the first week of November, so she and I won’t talk for 12 days. Then we meet again for a week, and then we won’t meet for a month. That’s not her fault; my husband and I are traveling and then I’ll come back and have my surgery. But it does mean I will see her twice in November and then not again until mid December. Perhaps at some level I am creating a distance from her so it the separation will be easier. Perhaps if I were still going to see her regularly, I wouldn’t spend much time talking about my connection to her, but would instead rebuild that connection by continuing with the healing work.
One the one hand, I’m afraid I am going to jeopardize our relationship by picking apart her words and behavior. At some level, I know she is on my side. So why fuss about little things? Maybe she was just having a bad day.
On the other hand, perhaps it is healthy of me to say, “This didn’t feel right, and I am wondering what you were thinking and what you meant when you said x. What I understood may or may not have been what you intended, but it was a problem for me.” I think about my first marriage and all the times I accepted my ex’s criticisms but bit my tongue about things he did that hurt me, or all the times I just accepted that it was okay for him to talk to me that way. At work, people think I am very calm and even tempered, because I never react emotionally (visibly) to other people’s outbursts, and always answer in a friendly, constructive tone. It’s a pretty useful tool at work, a lot of the time. But I also have trouble at times, as E. has noticed, trusting my own intuition.
Ah well, I don’t really know what I am doing. I hope it doesn’t turn into a big mess tomorrow.