My energy level is so low. I wake up in the morning with the alarm, but it can take me an hour to get out of bed. My husband is so understanding–he brings me a cup of tea and lets me take my time. Luckily I no longer have to get kids off to school. Today all I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and stay in bed all day. The idea of getting dressed and going out in the world and doing my job, meeting with clients, ugh, too hard. And yet I did it (because I am, after all, a very responsible person).
At work, I put together the first draft of grant proposal. I had lunch with a client and planned some new work we might do together. I worked with HR to set up phone interviews with a couple of job candidates. I set up a system for staff to prepare for their project check-ins. So it was actually a fairly effective day. I was friendly and efficient. There is no way anyone at work has the slightest clue that I have one foot in the pit.
Then I came home, answered a couple of emails, and crawled in bed. I listened to the radio but that’s about it. Right now, the most understanding husband ever is making dinner while I continue to lie around, composing this blog. I can’t bring myself to work in my garden or do my laundry. I don’t even get into my pajamas, but just crawl into bed in my clothes.
This is how I’ve been all week. I function at work, maybe not at peak performance but well enough that no one has commented on it, and I am essentially non-functioning at home. It’s a strange dual existence. I wonder if there is anything I could do to wake myself up? But that would take energy I don’t have.
CREDIT: Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash
Sage Burning 
I guess the energy will come with time, it’s not possible to do everything, all the time. I’m the meantime rejoice in the fact that you have an understanding partner. I wish you both well.
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Thank you. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for my husband. You couldn’t create a more loving, understanding person. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I am thankful every day.
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I applaud you for respecting your body’s needs for rest. I was so disconnected to my body and/or felt the great need to try to emulate the fast pace that other’s keep that my body reacted in kind, supposedly mono, but the effects stayed permanently. I react easily to stress and become tired easily, and just have to listen to my own body’s cues, which do not match others.
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When you say “the effects stayed permanently,” do you mean you are still feeling that way?
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Yes. My glands still would pop out if I didn’t respect my body’s needs, but luckily I no longer need to work outside the home. I can pace myself. And I do get rattled easily by worries over my kids, or medial appointments, especially dental, but also other things that crop up. It can interrupt my sleep very easily and one thing adds to another. I still jump easily at sudden sounds or my husband appearing quietly behind me or around a corner. I suppose my adrenals are just tired out but I am lucky to be able to adjust my life around what I can do and when I want to do it.
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You sound sad. Working and staying active helps, I know. Let a little hurt out once in a while, that helps too.
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I’m not sure I really know how. I am really good at covering it up, but letting it out is hard–maybe I’m afraid it will take over?
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Fear is one of the things that keeps me down. I strive to face what I fear the most. It is always right there in front of me. Acknowledging it helps give me direction.
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I know my last comment was vague. If you have difficulty letting go, it may be time to find someone to talk to about it. I have A LOT of trouble doing this myself so I know how hard it can be. If you can find that someone to talk about it with, it can be so much help! Find a confidant. Friends can be easy to talk to buy sometimes their own feelings can lead to telling others what is said in confidence. Better to find a counselor or pastor. Someone with training who can support you in your quest. My thoughts are with you
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[…] Telling Heavy Secrets Alice ntexas99 jasmarie617 LaQuemada Bev Mandy Janetcate Beth Jessica Surviving in […]
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It takes a lot of strength to keep going when all your body and mind needs is rest. Maybe there are things inside that need an outlet. Acknowledging those parts and finding an outlet for them is always a good way to stay true to yourself; especially because you have a demanding job that doesn’t allow you the space to show what you are truly feeling. Blogging, meditation and writing in a journal are good but finding a counsellor is one of the most powerful ways to let go of things you are holding onto.
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I do have a helpful therapist. But I only get to see her once every two weeks, and sometimes it feels like a very long time in between sessions when I have to process things by myself.
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