I’m really feeling it today, the resistance some of my parts have to my new therapy group. Or not to the group per se, but to the idea of taking childhood sexual abuse seriously enough to join a group working just on that.
I feel it in multiple ways. I struggled to get out of bed this morning in a way I generally haven’t lately. I’m unfocused, spaced out. I find myself wanting to slap myself; I spend time staring out the window and thinking about ways to harm myself. I feel a block in my throat, a weight in my pelvis, a knot in my stomach.
And then I start thinking, why am I STILL like this? I have been talking about this in therapy for so long. Why is it still so touchy for me? I see others who seem to be so much more solid in their healing. What am I doing wrong?
(I suppose this is another one of the unhelpful stories I tell myself: I “should” be past this. I “shouldn’t” have trauma reactions any longer.)
Okay. Deep breath.
All parts are acceptable. All parts have a place. That means you, too, scared and resistant parts. You can make me shut down. You can scream doubts in my ear. You can find fault with the pace of my healing. You seem to need to do these things, though I don’t always understand why.
I’m going to go this group anyway. I am going to allow myself the opportunity to receive trauma-informed treatment for sexual abuse, even if you (whatever part you are) want to proclaim that my father didn’t really do that to me.
I am going to try to understand what your needs are and see if I can address them without harming myself or foregoing the group. If you need me to find a way to love my dad, well, yes, I’ll admit to you that I love him and am so, so sad he died (one month ago today, exactly). If you need me to reassure you that this won’t destroy my relationship with my sisters, I can do that. Or what else might you need? I don’t know, but I’m willing to listen if you want to tell me.
I’m frightened and tired and sad. But I’m also determined. Your resistance won’t make me stop.