I do not know what exactly is going on with me. For several weeks now, I’ve been on teetering on the edge of okay and traumatized. Then I started feeling that old familiar hopelessness. And now, today, I am agitated and anxious and overwhelmed.
There’s no clear reason for this. That means there is no clear way out.
I had a therapy session with E today, but it wasn’t helpful. There was nothing wrong with it, but it felt cool and distant. I was fidgety and nervous and unfocused. It was hard for me to be fully present and engaged.
After today, I will only have three sessions with E between now and October 7. Given that we’ve been meeting twice a week most of the year (if you count group every other week), that feels hard. Maybe I couldn’t settle in today in anticipation of that separation. Part of me urgently wanted to connect (a young part: I’m going to miss her. She’s safe, she’s a comfort, she knows me and despite that, she’s on my side). Another part thought about cancelling (a resistant, frustrated part She’s going to be gone on vacation, and then I’ll be traveling, and we won’t meet. And anyway, she no longer asks me about what I need to feel supported in her absence. She has already separated from me so much. So why do I even try? It’s like being a teenager and chasing after a boy who isn’t interested in me). There’s no way to win.
Since I left the session, I’ve resisted the urge to reach out to her. But I feel my anxiety increasing. So maybe it is about the separation.
Or maybe not. It’s been creeping up for a while now, little by little. Sometimes I think there is something going on physically–that is, biochemically. I haven’t changed much lately in terms of meds but two months ago I did add the amino acid L-methionine, following the advice of my nutritionist. It’s part of an effort we’ve been making to boost my energy levels, an effort which also includes taking methylated B vitamins and, of course, walking as much as I’m able to.
Anyway, I remember asking the nutritionist at one point how I would know if a supplement was helping me. And she said something to the effect that if it helped me better produce the neurotransmitters I needed by myself, then my anti-depressant cocktail might no longer be the right one for me, and I might feel more agitated or otherwise disturbed.
Well, I’m disturbed. But is this why?
Or maybe it’s about the wounded part we stumbled upon in Marie’s office a few weeks ago. I feel the presence of that part, a part that is pretty mysterious to me still. I sense her waiting behind a door, wondering, just as I wonder, if we can connect with each other. Sometimes I tell her to hang on, I’m working to be someone she can trust.
Maybe she’s the source of the anxiety.
I don’t know how to interpret what’s going on with me. I just know I feel a lot of emotional turmoil. Naturally, since it’s turmoil, I’m wanting to resist it. I’m wanting to trade it in for tacos:
However, I’ve done enough therapy and reading and meditation to know it doesn’t work that way. No one is going to bring me a taco and a side of guac and take away my anxiety in return, alas. And my resistance to these hard emotions isn’t going to make them fade any sooner.
This too, like all the rest, I need to accept and treat with kindness. Deep breath. All of it, I need to accept all of it.
But then I still want the guacamole.