Not Again

That’s what I keep muttering under my breath: Not again.

Not this lethargy again, not this lack of motivation. Not the endless exhaustion and sense of pointlessness, the critical internal voice, the negative thoughts.

Of course, when I was feeling well–or at least mostly well–I acknowledged that it might not last forever. I knew I could still get triggered. I knew I still have big changes to make. But underneath my calm declarations that “of course I know there are still some ups and downs ahead,” I must have been telling myself that now I have so many coping strategies; it will never be that bad again.

I wish.

One thing to remember about depression: it is always bad. After a lot of therapy, you may have coping strategies and more support and a broader perspective. But when it hits, it’s still the same big, uncompromising leviathan that moves in and takes up all the oxygen in the room.

Now, without oxygen, you need to dig through your bag to find those coping strategies. Before you suffocate, you need to reach for those supports (while also thinking: Wait, I’m not supposed to need supports as much anymore.) You are supposed to reach for those bootstraps, just when your arms are weighed down with cement.

You can do it. But I don’t blame you for thinking, ugh, not again.

CREDIT:  Photo by Carolina Heza on Unsplash 

7 comments

  1. Ugh, I feel as though I could have written this. Especially the part about feeing like you shouldn’t need the coping strategies. Try to remind yourself that this is why you’ve been armed with them, to fight this battle. I know it feels impossible and like what is even the point, but if you can connect at all to the experience you have when depression recedes, use that as your ammunition. Hang in there!!

    Liked by 1 person

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