Maybe it’s the start of spring, the increased daylight and warmer weather. Or maybe I’ve just been going to therapy long enough that I’m ready to leave behind some of the old to make room for something new. For whatever reason, the impulse to make some changes is pressing up against me, nudging me, telling me it’s time to move forward.
There are a lot of them, small ones and big ones. Some I could take care of in a weekend, and others I have no idea how to implement or when I’ll really have the courage. Here they are, at least some of them, in no particular order:
- Get rid of the clothes I never wear. I do this periodically anyway, but I still hang on to some clothes I hope to fit into in the future, or things that I used to wear for my old job and somehow imagine I might need to wear in some kind of future professional situation (which hasn’t come in up two and a half years now).
- Scan or get rid of the piles of research articles I have piled up in the basement. I brought a lot of them home with me when I quit my old job. I do still use some things, but for the most part, I can’t find them in the piles and don’t have space for loads of files. Make them accessible or get them out of here.
- Finally move things from my old blog over to a new one. CHECK! (The one thing I have accomplished so far.)
- Figure out how I can earn money other than as an independent contractor doing research work. I used to run teams of researchers, and it was social and interesting and the work was always better because we learned from one another. The work I do now is lonely (and loneliness is triggering for me). Also, because I don’t have a big team to work with me, I tend to work on simpler projects which are, generally, a little tedious.
- Find a new yoga “home.” The place that had become my yoga home doesn’t feel good any longer–though that pain isn’t as sharp as it used to be. Also, by the way, finish the small amount of paperwork I need to do to formally earn my yoga teacher certification.
- Continue to wean off Effexor. I’m not sure when I’ll dare to take the next step, since my last drop knocked me out for two and a half months. But I’m determined to stop taking this medication which has been like poison to me.
- Learn more about the nutritional changes I’m trying to make, and see if that can help me feel better, in general, and get off the Effexor.
- Reduce or even stop therapy with E. Sigh. I know I need to do this, and it’s going to be very painful. But my wisest self knows that I’m no longer growing and benefiting as I did in the past.
CREDIT: Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Sage Burning 
I think you’ve set yourself some great goals to tackle at your leisure. Every little step is progress. I love donating old clothes, but I have so much trouble making the decision what goes! I have one sweater that keeps migrating back into my closet.
I’m curious – do you feel you need to stop therapy from E because there’s an internal pressure that you’re supposed to or because you feel it’s no longer helpful? I thought recently that you two working towards some new insights.
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Although E was very warm and responsive when I said I needed to work on the attachment wound, I have frustrated since then, like we just aren’t able to get at what I need. I don’t know exactly what it is I DO need, but I figure if I were getting the right thing, then I wouldn’t be feeling so frustrated.
It’s confusing though, because I am still hurt about cutting back the texting, so sometimes I think I am just wanting to run away from her because of that. But most of the time I think, no, that’s hard, but that’s not the problem.
So, I don’t know; it’s all a little fuzzy and uncertain, but I do feel a change is coming. A change needs to come.
P.S. I have trouble sometimes with letting go of stuff in the closet too. And yet, once I have let go, it’s very, very rare for me to even remember what it is I donated.
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I look forward to reading your journey moving forward. Change comes in many ways, and I think you’ll know what’s best as things continue to unfold. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, either way.
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Our wise self, ughhhh, isn’t it crazy how she gently nudges. I also know that I need to stop therapy because it is no longer serving me. My younger parts want to work through things but really that isn’t (and hasn’t been) happening. So much I thought I needed to work through but really they are just old stories I need to let go.
Yes, let go because it is spring. We need movement, color therapy, our dogs, the ground beneath our bare feet, music, and light. We need to cultivate new relationships and explore the things we know make us feel good. Money spent on enjoyment instead of continually feeling frustrated that our needs aren’t being met.
“ Maybe you don’t really heal ‘from’ trauma. You simply come to know yourself as Life itself. And you turn towards the wounded place. And you flush it with attention, which is love. And maybe the wound will always be with you. Maybe you will always walk with the hurt. But now, you hold it. It doesn’t hold you. You are the container, not the contained “ Jeff Foster (great writer, look him up on FB)
And also, I have my work wardrobe still tucked in my closet. My son was inducted and into an academic fraternity last weekend and I decided to dress up, found that my work clothes no longer serve me. Better to donate and buy one or two fresh outfits to meet my new season.
What If Today, You Forgot It All?
“Imagine if, today, you forgot it all.
Would old habits become bold adventures? Might boring be a guise of mystery? The mundane, an invitation to wonder?
What if, today, you renounced all that you knew?” Not sure of the author.
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