Ever since my son’s discovery of this blog last spring, La Quemada just hasn’t been the same. As soon as I knew my son was reading everything I wrote, I couldn’t write freely any long. So after a bit, I went private. But that hasn’t been satisfying either, and it’s a big reason, I think, that I have posted so much less often over the past year.
So now what?
I considered just closing the blog… but I have such a soft spot for it. It’s contributed so much to my understanding myself and the nature of my illness and the impact of trauma on my life. In particular, it’s greatly reduced the shame I feel about my experiences. Everything I have shared has been met by warmth and acceptance, and this has genuinely strengthened me and allowed me to face things I once hid from.
Thank you, readers, for that. I am deeply, deeply grateful.
I’m just not ready to give up the blog. Maybe I’ll decide later that I am, but for now, I want to keep it, but not in the occasional, limited existence it’s had for the past year.
Instead, I’m going to change the name and url (and make sure I remove all incriminating photos!) and make it public again. I’m currently deciding on a new name and learning how to import at least some of the material from my current blog over to the new one. I’ll keep you posted before I move things, and I hope you’ll follow me and continue to comment in my new location.
I think I’ll give up La Quemada. It means “the burnt one” and although I did have a bit of a relapse in January and February this year, in general self-harm is not a coping strategy I use much longer. It doesn’t feel right as the site identity. However, I have become kind of attached to people calling me “Q” over the past several years. So I’m trying to think up a site name and url that still makes use of that Q and creates some sense of continuity–not like “Querulous” or “Questioning” but maybe more like “Healing Q.” Or I don’t know what exactly. I’ve also thought of things like “Living With the Scars” or “Tending the Wounds.” Suggestions are very welcome, if you are feeling creative! I want it to be something that resonates with where I’m at now, which is mostly doing better and sometimes slipping back into dark spaces and having to dig my way out again. (“Crawling Out of the Muck” fits but maybe doesn’t have the hopeful tone I’d like to establish.)
CREDIT: Photo by Ashley Rich on Unsplash