I thought I was doing so much better. No, I AM doing so much better. I’m calmer. If I’m triggered, I catch it, and I care for myself, and it doesn’t last very long. I’m taking risks in individual and couple’s therapy. I’m out in the world again, instead of hiding in my bed. Over the weekend, I told my husband, “I feel like this is the healthiest I’ve been in years, at least five years.”
And then today in therapy, E poked a sharp stick straight into the attachment wound.
She said I’m doing well but not talking like a well person with her in therapy, and she thinks that’s because I am reluctant to stop leaning on her, and we should talk about that. I don’t need to leave right away, she’s not pushing me out, but any good mother raises her kids to leave, right? I’m able to take care of my own needs.
Ironically enough, I had walked into the session thinking, “If I need one thing from today, it’s reassurance that our connection is as strong as ever.” That’s because I had felt distant from her last Wednesday (which by the way, I had TOLD her in a text) and she was gone and unreachable the past four days. But she never asked what I wanted to talk about. She had her own agenda, it seems.
She could see I was upset in session. But the full force of it only hit me afterwards. I am hurt, afraid, and ANGRY. I feel she underestimates the severity of the attachment pain. I feel unseen and uncared for.
“Time’s up! Move along now!”
Of course she didn’t say those words. She said she cares for me and wants me to be whole and healthy and doesn’t want our connection to interfere with that. Because I guess she knows better than I do whether I am relying on her in a healthy way, right?
Even as I’m in the middle of feeling it all, I’m also standing back and observing myself, amazed at how quickly I can be transformed into a fumbling, confused, panic-stricken bundle of nerves.
I want to scream. I want to go silent. I want to quit therapy and not see her anymore. I want to talk to her RIGHT NOW so we can fix things. I want everything to be fine again.
I want to burn myself, but then she’d just say, see, it’s true, you are preventing yourself from being healthy in order to hang onto our relationship. FUCK.
CREDIT: Photo by Ehimetalor Unuabona on Unsplash