Q

Afterwards

Today, the day after the presidential election,  I am devastated. I am beyond disheartened. I think I am slightly insane with grief and rage. Really insane, at least the part of me. The part of me that was groped and molested and knows that DJT bragged about doing exactly that, and yet half the country doesn’t think that’s a problem. Grabbing men, oh well, that’s what men do, get over it.
While I don’t know that Trump voters would say the same of the rape of children, it feels today like they would. And to my younger self, that’s really confusing. She thinks that what happened to her was just dismissed as too unimportant to affect people’s judgment of a man’s qualifications for a roe with tremendous responsibility. She says: See, so it was me after all. The man was not bad. What happened, that was what was supposed to happen to me, it’s normal. It’s what I’m for, I’m a revolting play thing for the entertainment of men. They only do that to dirty little girls. That young self, quite apart from and in addition to my politically progressive self, is distraught. I have already hurt myself last night and expect I will do it again. It’s too much, and I can’t find another way to cope. Whatever. I won’t die of self-harm.
I’ve decided to allow myself those girl’s feelings for now, not to push them away and deny them. (Is self-harming pushing them away? I am not sure.) The feelings are real, and there’s a reason for them.
I know in time I will be more than my intense emotions of the moment. I will have space for my rational, strategic brain as well as for my broken heart. Then I will decide on something I want to give my time, energy and money to. Maybe it will be immigration issues, or climate change, or gender inequality or sexual assault. I don’t know yet. I don’t have to know today.
For now, I have shut off the news and social media. I select soothing music. I hold my husband and cuddle my dogs and try to tell myself that there is much good in the world. I need to know that. And I honor my pain as sign that I’m a human being with values that matter a lot to me.
I remind myself of one of my favorite meditations: May we be well. May we be happy. May our hearts be filled with lovingkindness. May we know true peace in our lives.

17 comments

  1. Q, I am hurting for you and many like us in your country – I applaud you for turning off social media and listening to soothing music.

    Know that there is a lot of love and support coming your way from up North and many other places around the world. There is hope. It’s hard to see right now, but it exists. And we are rooting for it to prevail. Xx

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    • The love, support and understanding from others is so helpful. I am especially moved by comments from people in other countries who understand that half the voters in this country absolutely do not accept the sentiments DJT expresses or want the kind of world he describes.

      I, too, am rooting for hope, as mysteriously absent as it seems to be sometimes.

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  3. I don’t have words today, Q. I love your words. Thank you. TS
    Oh, I forgot to say – I really want you not to harm yourself. I respect every part of you – .including the container you live in.How angry I am with anyone who touches it hurtfully. I want to protect you from any kind of boo-boo. Loving-kindness for Q. TS

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    • Thank you, TS. You are always so tender in your comments.

      It’s hard to explain in a way that makes any kind of sense, but burning myself doesn’t really feel like harm. Well, okay, it partly does. But it also feels like a way to manage intense emotional pain, and in that sense, it’s a friend to me.

      Still, I am also working to cultivate other strategies that don’t also cause harm to my body. Thank you for your concern and caring.

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  5. I don’t have words right now. But everything you have written, I get. You aren’t alone. Take care of yourself, Q. And tell little you that she did nothing wrong and did not deserve any of it. Hugs if you want them. Xx

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    • Yes! I want hugs!

      You are right, and I am getting to that point today. The little girl didn’t do anything wrong. If we live in a rape culture and lots of people don’t (or won’t) see it, that doesn’t mean it’s okay or that those victimized need to carry the shame or responsibility for what happened to them.

      I see it as a sign of progress that even though I still struggle with this, after a little while it is much easier to access my adult self’s conviction that it was not the girl’s fault, and she is not dirty. So now I have to use that knowledge to find ways to work with her. She still doesn’t recover so easily.

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  6. I agree with ALL that you have said and am deeply saddened and hurt by the choice that 50% of our nation has made. I agree with thisshaking…self harming is pushing aside your emotions and saying they don’t matter and need to be punished. Hoping you can continue to be gentle with yourself. You matter.

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  7. I am devastated right alongside you, Q. As a woman, sexual assault survivor, and member of the LGBTQ community… I feel invalidated and attacked by my own country and government-elect. Terrified, confused, disgusted, and horrified. I haven’t been able to post about it yet, and I’m not sure when I will (I just have no words… I’m so out of it). But I’m thinking of you and sending all my love.
    (p.s. I miss you on my blog, and I’d be happy to give you access if you still want it! Just got to https://bloominglilyblog.wordpress.com and click on “request access” so I can let you in!) xoxo

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  9. I am so sad for you. It seems so wrong. I don’t know anyone who wanted this outcome (or at least who admits it). I wish I could be there for you in real life. Like TS I just want to make you some tea and we could sit and watch the beautiful fall weather and nature until we feel some measure of peace again.

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