Today, the day after the presidential election, I am devastated. I am beyond disheartened. I think I am slightly insane with grief and rage. Really insane, at least the part of me. The part of me that was groped and molested and knows that DJT bragged about doing exactly that, and yet half the country doesn’t think that’s a problem. Grabbing men, oh well, that’s what men do, get over it.
While I don’t know that Trump voters would say the same of the rape of children, it feels today like they would. And to my younger self, that’s really confusing. She thinks that what happened to her was just dismissed as too unimportant to affect people’s judgment of a man’s qualifications for a roe with tremendous responsibility. She says: See, so it was me after all. The man was not bad. What happened, that was what was supposed to happen to me, it’s normal. It’s what I’m for, I’m a revolting play thing for the entertainment of men. They only do that to dirty little girls. That young self, quite apart from and in addition to my politically progressive self, is distraught. I have already hurt myself last night and expect I will do it again. It’s too much, and I can’t find another way to cope. Whatever. I won’t die of self-harm.
I’ve decided to allow myself those girl’s feelings for now, not to push them away and deny them. (Is self-harming pushing them away? I am not sure.) The feelings are real, and there’s a reason for them.
I know in time I will be more than my intense emotions of the moment. I will have space for my rational, strategic brain as well as for my broken heart. Then I will decide on something I want to give my time, energy and money to. Maybe it will be immigration issues, or climate change, or gender inequality or sexual assault. I don’t know yet. I don’t have to know today.
For now, I have shut off the news and social media. I select soothing music. I hold my husband and cuddle my dogs and try to tell myself that there is much good in the world. I need to know that. And I honor my pain as sign that I’m a human being with values that matter a lot to me.
I remind myself of one of my favorite meditations: May we be well. May we be happy. May our hearts be filled with lovingkindness. May we know true peace in our lives.