Q

Losing It

After drawing on all my skills to manage my emotions yesterday, I am losing it today.

Over the last 10 days, I was trying something new with my venlafaxine (Effexor) prescription. Since I so often wake up feeling really low, I thought maybe the level of meds I take each morning might be low after 24 hours. So I started taking half the dose in the morning and half at bedtime. At first this seemed to be helping, but lately my dreams have been especially intense and since Sunday I’ve had a very sick stomach and can’t tolerate food (both sure signs for me of venlafaxine withdrawal). I’ve apparently screwed up my meds for myself. So I’m aware that this issue is probably heightening my reaction to feeling rejected in my therapy session Monday evening.

I went to bed at a decent time but tossed and turned for more than three hours, aching for my old steady, safe relationship with E, resenting her, and then hating myself for having messed things up because, well, that’s what I do. That’s why I should keep up a protective shield around me, because what’s behind that shield is not something people like. Or maybe we’re just done working together. It’s time to stop. Finally I told myself that I would call her today, rather than make myself wait until next Monday to bring this up.

I dozed fitfully after that, waking up, falling asleep, hot and restless. Towards morning I had a dream that she and I were going to meet to talk about this. My sister (who in real life does not know E) came up to ask a question, and soon E was busy with her. She became really interested in my sister’s issue, and she brought together a group of people from different professional backgrounds to talk about what my sister needed. I tried to say, but what about our talk? But she was too busy for me, and really she was enthusiastic and interested in this new project in a way she never was in her work with me. Ha, such a subtle dream, right?

I’m exhausted this morning, not rested at all, and I feel sick and dizzy. I also despise myself. I know (intellectually) that I am not pathetic and ridiculous but simply triggered. I know that the difficulties I am having in my connection to her is not because I am filthy and repugnant. But I feel pathetic, ridiculous, filthy and repugnant. I hate that even though I am not working, I can’t get anything done. I cannot access my skills today.

I texted E this morning asking if she had time for a call later today. This is scary to me. I’ve only asked for twice for a call. She responded quickly, saying sure, that she’d call me on a break. I hope the call will help. I’m very afraid it won’t, and then I am not sure what to do.

Even as I write this, I roll my eyes at the melodrama of it. I’m so worked up over something small again–another reason to be disgusted with myself, right? Ah depression, what a mind fuck.

32 comments

  1. Q, I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad – depression really is a total mind fuck.

    It’s reasonable and very understandable to be upset about E. Your relationship with her is so important, so any small changes can trigger intense feelings.

    Knowing something intellectually definitely doesn’t detract from contradictory/seemingly ‘illogical’ emotions. I wish it did.

    It was brave to reach out to E and ask to talk. I hope your conversation is helpful and soothing for you. It’s good that she responded really quickly to you.

    I feel a bit unsure about suggesting this, but is there a possibility you can send E some of your recent blog posts? Maybe it would help her understand your point of view and how you’re feeling about her.

    You are most definitely not any of the things that depression is telling you. I’m sorry that you’re in pain – I wish I could help. Sending you warm thoughts and hoping your call goes well.

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    • I read this comment a couple of day ago, Sophia, and really appreciate it. In fact, I followed your suggestion of sharing several posts with E, as I had difficulty talking about it. I’ll probably post about this soon.

      You say “I wish I could help,” but in fact your caring response IS a big help. So thank you, really.

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    • Thank you, Sirena. It did end up helping, eventually. Fortunately, E was not freaked out by my freak out. That’s so important, that a therapist can tolerate a client’s intense and irrational reactions.

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  3. I would be worked up too, but I think that’s a reasonable response and often our intellectual reasoning brain is slow to catch up to our emotional (reptilian) brain.

    If I was able to constantly access my logical brain and not triggered it’s unlikely I would have considered self harming over wedding seating charts yesterday. I think that what you are feeling is very valid.

    I am hoping her call is what you need xx

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    • I know, emotional brain is pretty primitive and is not very impressed by logic (unfortunately).

      Thank you for your comment and support. It was very important to me to see these caring comments the other day and not feel so alone while losing it.

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  4. Sending support from my phone again, wanted to be responsive even if brief. This is hard Q, it is just fucking hard. Sending my support and deep faith in you.

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  5. q, I hope it went well? thinking of you. If I had been in your situation I’d be worked up too. Its normal to feel like that. This relationship is important to you. sending my love and lots of hugs. xxx

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  6. I am adding my voice to the ones that say you are not pathetic or repugnant, but witty and insightful and lovely. And worked up over something small, well – our lives are made of small things, Q. The really big things should only happen once a decade or so, the big things maybe once or twice a year. The rest of it is small, and it all matters. Especially in therapy.

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      • I just looked up the dictionary definition, and it isn’t what I expected. “Evoking sympathetic sadness, especially through vulnerability” – well, what’s wrong with that? I do feel sad when you are experiencing incredibly difficult things and are feeling vulnerable, because I care for you.

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      • I think I was channeling the more informal definition, “evoking a sense of disgust and pity, especially through weakness.” But I’ll admit I prefer your dictionary definition.

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    • I did a consultation with the dean of psychiatry at the medical school last year, just to get a second opinion on meds. He said, “I never put people on Effexor because it’s such a nightmare to come off of.” Sadly, already too late for me. Even manipulating the time of day that I take it can really mess me up.

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  8. Oh my gosh, feeling nausea and dizzy is the worst! Two things I just can’t tolerate because they make me feel vulnerable. I finally got a genetic test done that told me which meds I would most likely be able to handle better since lexapro, Paxil, mirtazapine, all made me feel like you are describing. My psychiatrist said the next med we will do a liquid child dose so that I can go up slowly. But it is scary and I get so sick of the side affects yet feel like I need the help with the meds. It freakin sucks and I feel for you I truly do.

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    • I’m thinking of just giving up on meds. I just don’t see what good they do. All my various lowest of lows have been on meds.

      Thanks for the empathy. It helps so much!

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      • It is so hard to decide what to do. My worst states have been reactions to meds that either gave me worse anxiety or made me stay awake for days. I’m so sorry you haven’t found anything to help.

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      • Oh. My gosh I said that there were spiders crawling out of my nose and I was told that has NEVER been reported!!!! It’s what it felt like. I got dehydrated from the nausea. The last one made me paranoid. So frustrating. Just want something to help while I go through therapy. I know the feeling of wanting something and just getting more side affects

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    • It’s such an apt description that I think they should just use it in the DSM instead of Major Depressive Disorder. Mind Fuck, recurrent, severe. Treatment doesn’t help very much but at least makes you feel like you aren’t giving up.

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  10. Hi, Q. How are you doing? It’s been a couple of days. I’ve been thinking of you. Depression, not sleeping, missing the connection with your therapist all sounds extremely difficult. Did E call you? How did it go? Hugs.

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