Two months of struggles over my attachment to my therapist. It can get wearing. I seem to have a penchant for getting stuck and have found something new to get stuck on. Or perhaps a kinder interpretation would be that E and I are working on very deep issues of connection and trust, and I’m finding it painful and difficult.
My teenage self has been advocating for breaking up with E. When she gets up on her soapbox, she is passionate, insistent, dramatic. Sometimes I find myself believing her. But the thing about teenagers is they can take things a little too far. So my teen, earlier this week, was a good example of that. Her train of thought ran this way:
We gave up our job to get a more peaceful life. Why should we keep other things that don’t bring us peace? We should give up therapy. It isn’t helping. We can just let go of these things. We can detach. We can detach from family–we already have detached from many of them. We can pull away more. We can pull away from the marriage. Just give it all up. Everything. Give up this life. Give up life. Let go of everything. Dying will bring peace.
There are times when that line of thinking shifts to the forefront for me, and for a while, the argument seems to make sense. There’s no peace in life, so choose not-life. I remember feeling like that as a teen, 15 or 16 years old. I felt that way again earlier this week.
But that’s going too far. I promised myself a long time ago, no suicide. I waver on that sometimes, but it’s a good decision. I know it. I think I know it. No, I know it.
So I’m looking for ways now to convince the teen self, the self-destructive self, that there is hope. I have to figure out what she needs to believe that.
Sage Burning 
You strength gives me strength. ❤️
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I’m glad that’s your reaction–but I don’t know, I don’t see the strength. I just see a woman who goes around in circles a lot.
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Going in circles is still moving; it is not giving up.
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Yes!!!
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Inspiring! sending love ❤
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A wise and COMPASSIONATE choice indeed. The difficult part is acknowledging your thoughts without judgment. Accepting that teen part and not reacting. Validating her feelings with loving kindness. Crazy that it’s work to feel peaceful.
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Right–I’m recognizing how she is thinking without having to go along with it, right? I think that’s the direction I am supposed to go. “Oh look, the teen part is doing her freak out again. The connection feels uncomfortable so she wants to shake off all connection. I need to reassure her that it’s okay. I can protect her. I can even pull back on any connection for a bit, if that settles her down. But I will keep telling her that her inclination to withdraw from everything is exaggerated and unnecessary. I’m older and wiser than she is, and so she doesn’t get to make those kinds of decisions.” Something like that, perhaps.
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Perhaps. But possibly you don’t need to tell her anything about her inclination to withdraw being exaggerated or unnecessary. Only notice she does it and acknowledge it, knowing that sometimes she may need to withdraw (which of course, every now and then, is totally okay). ❤️
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Accepting and not reacting. Yes, I think that is route that eventually leads to peace. It’s the struggling to change everything that wears us out.
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I like this approach and your words to the Teen.
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Teens are tough. I bet you and the wise woman can figure out what the teen needs. If I think about what my snarky teen part needs, it seems to be that she needs someone to accept her even with the snark and attitude and she needs someone to be there, to walk through this journey with her. I like the way you are handling this Q, and believe in you. You can do this. Xx💟
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Thank you for that vote of confidence. I have struggled to find out what the teen needs, as she has resisted expressing her needs directly. It’s finally dawned on me that the resistence in itself though is telling me she wants someone to SEE her, to pay attention and notice what’s going on.
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