I have a lot of different things going on and haven’t posted for a while (nearly 2 weeks). I’m also exhausted and uninspired, so I’m just going to make a list of some things that are going on.
- Last Thursday was my last day at work after 16 years and 9 months at the same company. For a long time, it felt like a very rewarding job to me. Then it didn’t anymore, but I kept trying to make it work. Now I am newly unemployed with no particular idea of what comes next.
- I started worrying a couple of months ago because I had been taking clonazepam every day for over two years, and everything I read online about it suggested this wasn’t a very good idea and could lead to a whole range of negative side effects, including depression. So I weaned myself off of it and have fully off it for about a week. My sleep has also been terrible for several weeks. Coincidence? Who knows.
- My immediate reaction to leaving my job was to become more depressed. Last weekend I couldn’t imagine finding any sort of purpose in life. Now I’ve decided to give myself a little time to recover from job stress. If I still can’t imagine getting motivated to do in anything a month from now, then I’ll tackle that issue seriously.
- E and I are trying to repair the therapy relationship. I was creeping closer to her again this week. But recent texts make me feel she is remote. It’s hard not to read her latest message as anything but “don’t bother me – I’ll see you next week in session.” Or maybe she is mad because I asked her to do something differently. I don’t want to freak out again, but it’s so hard when I am not sure she can be there. Maybe I’m burning her out.
- I’m also wondering if the texting needs to stop? Maybe this is why so many therapists won’t text with their clients, because there is so much misunderstanding of tone via text or email.
- While I’ve certainly healed a lot from my pelvic organ surgery (from last April), I’ve had new bladder issues emerge post-surgery. This SUCKS and also makes me really mad at my gynecological surgeon (I feel like I have had a lot of post-surgical issues that I didn’t anticipate).
- Because I quit my job, after September 30, I won’t have any health insurance. Or rather, I will need to buy health insurance from the exchange. I could conceivably end up having to change my primary care doctor. I may or may not be able to keep seeing E. I already pay $65/session to see her. If I have to pay her full rate, $160/session, I won’t be able to go anymore (especially because I have no income anymore).
- I’m supposed to see a doctor at a sleep clinic and have a referral, but there are no appointments until November. And who knows if whatever new insurance I find and can purchase will cover that.
- I was triggered this morning by a video I saw about a woman who was raped in college and then ran into the man who raped her six years later. That wasn’t my experience, but there were some things she described that resonated a little too much. My body set off all kinds of alarms. The good thing, though, is that I managed it. I got almost nothing done all day, but I was able to draw on my grounding skills and cope. In the past, this might have sent me spinning off for days.
- Walking with my dogs out by the river is a great comfort. So is working in my garden, when I have the energy to do a little.
I’ve missed you all and am looking forward to catching up.