I have a lot of different things going on and haven’t posted for a while (nearly 2 weeks). I’m also exhausted and uninspired, so I’m just going to make a list of some things that are going on.
- Last Thursday was my last day at work after 16 years and 9 months at the same company. For a long time, it felt like a very rewarding job to me. Then it didn’t anymore, but I kept trying to make it work. Now I am newly unemployed with no particular idea of what comes next.
- I started worrying a couple of months ago because I had been taking clonazepam every day for over two years, and everything I read online about it suggested this wasn’t a very good idea and could lead to a whole range of negative side effects, including depression. So I weaned myself off of it and have fully off it for about a week. My sleep has also been terrible for several weeks. Coincidence? Who knows.
- My immediate reaction to leaving my job was to become more depressed. Last weekend I couldn’t imagine finding any sort of purpose in life. Now I’ve decided to give myself a little time to recover from job stress. If I still can’t imagine getting motivated to do in anything a month from now, then I’ll tackle that issue seriously.
- E and I are trying to repair the therapy relationship. I was creeping closer to her again this week. But recent texts make me feel she is remote. It’s hard not to read her latest message as anything but “don’t bother me – I’ll see you next week in session.” Or maybe she is mad because I asked her to do something differently. I don’t want to freak out again, but it’s so hard when I am not sure she can be there. Maybe I’m burning her out.
- I’m also wondering if the texting needs to stop? Maybe this is why so many therapists won’t text with their clients, because there is so much misunderstanding of tone via text or email.
- While I’ve certainly healed a lot from my pelvic organ surgery (from last April), I’ve had new bladder issues emerge post-surgery. This SUCKS and also makes me really mad at my gynecological surgeon (I feel like I have had a lot of post-surgical issues that I didn’t anticipate).
- Because I quit my job, after September 30, I won’t have any health insurance. Or rather, I will need to buy health insurance from the exchange. I could conceivably end up having to change my primary care doctor. I may or may not be able to keep seeing E. I already pay $65/session to see her. If I have to pay her full rate, $160/session, I won’t be able to go anymore (especially because I have no income anymore).
- I’m supposed to see a doctor at a sleep clinic and have a referral, but there are no appointments until November. And who knows if whatever new insurance I find and can purchase will cover that.
- I was triggered this morning by a video I saw about a woman who was raped in college and then ran into the man who raped her six years later. That wasn’t my experience, but there were some things she described that resonated a little too much. My body set off all kinds of alarms. The good thing, though, is that I managed it. I got almost nothing done all day, but I was able to draw on my grounding skills and cope. In the past, this might have sent me spinning off for days.
- Walking with my dogs out by the river is a great comfort. So is working in my garden, when I have the energy to do a little.
I’ve missed you all and am looking forward to catching up.
Sage Burning 
What a gorgeous photo. You have had so much going on. I have had a lot of trouble with my therapists that text. I know it works for some but I don’t believe it is for me. I am a strong believer in no outside session contact unless it revolves around banal issues like scheduling or payments. It’s personal though, and I’m not going to lie, it sucks.
I can appreciate what a big change this has been and I think you’re approaching it very wisely. Take care xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Part of me says, “let’s just stop the texting.” But often it’s been such a support. The idea of not communicating with her between sessions feels scary. I only see her once a week, and depending on what happens with insurance, that might have to go to even less often. So what supports do you put in place for yourself? Do you have a go-to person when you feel overwhelmed?
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s totally scary. I texted with my last counsellor for 3 years and I believe it was helpful for me then and it isn’t now – I think everyone needs to find what is right for them.
I have a trio of people who know everything who I can reach out to, and I journal. It’s hard sometimes (like right now) when all 3 of those people are occupied. I also will take a bath, or just vocalize my feelings to myself. I have come a long way.
It is hard, but I started by just trying it. I tried setting up a system while I was still texting her and it was easier to ease out of it.
LikeLike
The no insurance has been the hardest on me. I got a cheap short term policy (6 months) and I wasn’t feeling well so I called the 1-800 # and basically it was a recording saying that I could go anywhere bc nothing is covered until I meet my $10,000 deductible. So far I’ve met zero of that and whatever because it sucks. But coverage is so expensive. And yes, I think texting could get tricky with your T. Possibly you just caught E at the right wrong time. Maybe she just feels out on the spot or doesn’t know what to say. It must be difficult to get a text from someone when they are overwhelmed or sad or I don’t know.
I do know that it’s not easy to relax into not working. I’m feeling better but still exhausted. I think I’m just realizing how my job depleted me and I’m not going to feel better in a couple of months. I am going to volunteer at meals on wheels though bc I miss being a helper and talking to people.
LikeLike
I’m trying to tell myself that. I just texted her when she was tired, busy or preoccupied, and that’s why her response seems cool and impatient. She has reassured me many times that she is not going anywhere, that she doesn’t want to get rid of me.
Ugh, $10,000 deductible! I hope I can find coverage better than that. I will start looking next week.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I got the cheapest coverage for now but it really sucks. And somehow I believe E isn’t going anywhere. She’s had plenty of times to back out and instead she pulls you in.
LikeLike
You are right, of course. She’s solidly there. And yet… there’s some younger part that just can’t hang on to that.
LikeLike
I’ve been thinking of you and checking regularly for updates. Glad to see this post. I know you’re still right in the thick of change and transition, and it must be so hard with feeling your relationship to E in a precarious place. Just wanted to send my support and thoughts, and love.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Rachel. I really want to feel solid in my relationship with E because so many other things are not solid. I’m trying to intentionally go for the most positive possible interpretations of her words and texts, but there is some frightened, angry part of me that isn’t buying it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know that it is possible to just “will” yourself to go for the positive interpretations. There is a need underneath the fear and the anger, and that need is important and needs to be seen and tended to. There is a reason why you are angry with her, why you feel the way you feel, and no cognitive re-framing can heal that wound. It needs to be healed relationally, in the relationship, with her seeing what is happening, attuning, and giving a new experience. Those fears and wounds, no matter how irrational they seem to you, are real and valid and deserve to be seen and nurtured.
LikeLike
You described this so well. And you reminded me (again, thank you, I keep forgetting) that it’s not just how I THINK about things, but how the needs of the younger self/selves get met. Why does this take so long to sink in?!? I really appreciate you bringing me back to what actually needs to happen.
LikeLike
This is a lot, Q. And it would make sense to start perceiving E as more distant and less supportive if you’re afraid you might not be able to keep seeing her any more. Easier to leave a disconnected and unhelpful therapist than a warm and attuned one. Not that that’s necessarily what’s happening, but a possibility.
Thank you for giving yourself a break. It’s so hard to tackle all of these hard transition things even without being depressed, and you so deserve some time with no demands.
LikeLike