I want to be brave and strong and work towards wholeness. But I don’t feel brave and strong. I feel tired and small and whiny. I want someone else to do it for me. I want the good fairy to wave her magic wand and bestow healthy emotional coping skills upon me.
But it doesn’t work like that, does it? I mean, I’ll admit that the wise and compassionate E. does everything she could possibly do to give me those skills, but I still have to do the work of accepting them and finding a way to use them in the midst of the internal storms. I’m kind of sucking at that this week. Ah well, I just need to be as brave and strong as I can be in any given moment, and some moments will be better than others.
Today (this week) is not going to be a moment for heroic leaps forward. In fact, it’s 5:30 PM, and I’m lying in bed, flattened by my irrational friend Rage and her cousin who showed up today, Sadness. I almost never see Sadness. I had blocked her number from my emotional phone, I think, but she showed up anyway. Right now I’m fine with that. Sadness reminds me that my heart hasn’t fully turned to stone.
So if I can’t be heroic today (or most days), here’s what I can do. I can give myself something besides the “I’m so bad, I’m just horrible, I’m a worthless bitch” voices. This afternoon I realized, wow, I hear those statements literally dozens of times a day, maybe even a hundred times. No wonder I feel bad. I decided that every time those negative thoughts bubble up, I would follow up intentionally with something that feels better and that I can get behind.
I am gentle with myself and other people.
That’s my big brave (ha) effort for today. It’s not much but it’s a way of not giving up.
If you do happen to run into that good fairy though, please send her my way.