Sometimes I share my blog with E. I decided to share my long week (last week) with her, because 1) I wanted her to know what I was juggling and 2) I wanted to talk about all the conflicting feelings I have about my relationship with her, and I thought the blog would open that up and make it easier to get started.
(Btw, for those of you who comment, when I share my blog, I copy and paste it into a document. If I include comments, I change all the names. Then I make it into a PDF with no live links and email it to her.)
When I get to my session today, the first things she says is, “I meant more sun.”
“What?”
“On that text,” she explains.
Ah, she’s talking about the part in last week’s blog where I felt dismissed by her text.
“You sent a picture of a sun. And I wrote, ‘I’m lovin’ it. More tomorrow!’ I meant ‘More sun tomorrow’. I actually worried for a minute but then thought, no she’ll know what I mean. But you didn’t.”
“No, ” I say. “I didn’t.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she says, seriously.
“It’s texting,” I say. “I like it but it leaves room for misunderstanding. I know I was looking for the negative.”
This led to a whole conversation about what parts of me react to the texts and what they need. It was a very meaningful session, but I’ll have to write about on another day.
Sage Burning 
This just kind of blew my mind. It just goes to show how primed we can be to see rejection where none was. I hope that felt like a bit of a relief, and I’m glad it was a good session. Xx
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It was such a relief, even though the comment was made days before, and I hadn’t really been thinking about it again. I want to hold on to the thought that she really wants to be there for me and show me that I can ask for something and have my needs met. When in doubt, I should assume the best, not the worst meaning (or I should ask her to clarify). I hope I can do that the next time I start looking for rejection.
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Oh, god. Texting strikes again! Glad she was able to clear that up, and that she now knows if there’s uncertainty about how you’ll interpret something, err on the side of caution.
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I know! Texting is awesome and texting is dangerous too! I do think she’ll be extra careful, but maybe I’ll also be just slightly less quick to jump to negative conclusions.
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Yes I agree with Alice – we are so primed for rejection! THis is exactly what I struggle with in therapy, especially recently. Everything she says and does is perceived as rejection. She has just started saying “that was not my intention at all” and pointing it out more. But I still shut down, nonetheless. I guess we have to really go there, let those automatic rejection thoughts surface so we can challenge them and help prime ourselves for a different experience. It is really, really hard to do that.
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It is hard. E. is also working really hard to reassure me. She asked why sometimes I don’t text even though I want to. I told her that I’m afraid of wearing her out, afraid of wanting it too much and then she’ll want to stop. So she told me, this is fine. I can do this for years, if you need to. I doubt you’ll need to, but it’s there. I don’t intend to cut it off. I think it’s good for you to reach out and get your needs met, and I’m very willing to make that happen.
Just saying “years” helped me a lot. I also don’t want to be in this sport I’m in for years, but the idea that as far as she is concerned, there is no imminent cut-off, well, that’s kind of taken one concern off the table.
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I love that she told you that. And will continue to do so as long as you need. You’ve got a lifetime without reassurance in this way, I think years from her is actually quite reasonable
And makes sense to me. Anything less would seem like
You’re not delving deep enough into vulnerability, but it is so obvious you are. Hence the asking.
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Ahh… Interesting. I think people who struggle with anxiety issues might tend to see things in the negative. And blame themselves first for everything. Also, texting causes loads of miscommunication… Anyway, I’m happy to know that E wasn’t being dismissive!
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Me too. And actually it was a good reminder NOT to automatically assume the worst. I’ll try to hold that thought for sometime in the future when I am not sure what she means in a text.
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Just started following your blog and read your backstory and history. I was feeling very alone this morning when I woke up. I ended up freaking out at my partner because I felt so abnormal. I can barely even function at my new job and act like a normal human being. But this morning after reading more of your blog, I don’t feel alone. You have a lot more courage than I for coming out and saying all of these things. Thank you. ❤ Hang in there. I'd say it gets better, but sometimes I don't believe it, sometimes I do. Again, thank you. I really can't thank you enough.
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Thank you for such a kind comment!
I think we have all felt very alone at times (I speak of the wider circle of blogs about trauma and recovery). Therapy helps though it’s often very painful along the way. And finding this group of other bloggers is also an excellent support. It was eye-opening to me that I wasn’t the only one who experienced all these things that seemed so strange (overwhelming but unidentifiable emotions, intrusive images, self-harming). I also have learned a lot by reading about what others are learning in their therapy. I just told another blogger that it feels like an anonymous, asynchronous therapy group, and it’s been very helpful to me. I hope you can find the same comfort in knowing you really aren’t alone–and also that it IS possible to get better.
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The situation is kinda funny, but the hurt isn’t. I’m glad she wasn’t being insensitive. I want to be better at this, to assume that people are doing the best they can and aren’t out to hurt or get me. To make that the default setting. Not sure how to do it but thats what I hope for.
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I am not ready to do that for everyone, but I think after this last experience, I am ready to assume that of my therapist. At this point it seems incredibly unfair to do otherwise. She’s made such an effort for me.
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You are right. Probably best to be a bit more careful with the population at large. Probably also smart to start with a therapist, even though that seems even harder to do.
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