I’m not going to call or text my therapist today. I can’t keep doing this, being so needy, turning into an uncertain child. She’s been patient, but people have only so much patience. It would be terrible to wear it out. Then what would I do?
I want to act like a grown-up today and manage my feelings myself.
Sage Burning 
This made me smile–I felt like that on Thursday!
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Right? “I will allow myself to be needy today; it’s okay.” Next day, “I will manage myself!” Following day, “I need her but I don’t want to.” After that, “No, I don’t need her at all. I don’t even like her. I am not going to therapy anymore.” Repeat, repeat, repeat.
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Yes, Thursday evening I decided I would never go back. Today, I am planning on it.
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It is objectively funny when we can look at ourselves through the adult, grounded lens. “Get away – wait, where are you going?!” Not to minimize the distress underneath those behaviors, but the humor helps ease it a bit.
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Dear Q, I just wanted to offer an alternative thought – I understand those feelings of how uncomfortable the vulnerability and need is, and wanting to refrain from contact because of how uncomfortable and unbearable all the need feels. And, those needs are important and valid and maybe the little girl really needs reassurance right now – the teen and little girl have opened very deeply, in a very new way, to E these past few months, and it makes complete sense that they need extra reassurance and time and attention. And from everything you have written, E is honored to provide that reassurance. You’ve come so far, this is the hardest work you will probably ever do. And you are so precious and those needs are precious, and they are not turning her away. They are drawing her towards you. I know it is hard to believe that, so I wanted to offer a reminder. xoxo Rachel (and Little Rachel)
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Dear Rachel (and Little Rachel), Of course you are right. I want that reassurance as much as ever. I know that because I have been glancing at my phone to see if by luck she has texted anyway. But I don’t want to need it! I don’t want to ask!
I love though that you get it so well that you could immediately see through my resolution. It is good to be seen, and by compassionate eyes. Thank you!
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I know you don’t want to need it or don’t want to ask, and that is okay! It is okay to pout and protest. You don’t want to ask because you were taught that it is shameful and wrong and bad to ask, and that is absolutely untrue. It feels scary to challenge those beliefs, it is so vulnerable to put yourself out there, and ask. And I love what you said in your second to last post – that it is scary and there is the potential to not get a response, but also the potential receive the nurturing and caring the little parts need to heal.
So be mad and angry and pout for as long as you need to, E isn’t going anywhere. Anxiety and that mean old Self-Loathing can’t keep up the fight forever 🙂
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Love the graphic- feels exactly like that to me. A bit of a drama queen, a bit of a 4 year old, and a determination to do it all by myself! This is something I struggle with. Where is the ballance? When is it “ok” to reach out? When should I push through and rely on myself? Who knows? Maybe this is something to ask E (or Elle in my case)? that question (and the answer) is pretty scary.
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That illustration is so cute. Needs aren’t bad. I know it can feel intense when you first reach out and it’s almost impossible to put the genie back in the bottle and it almost becomes an impulse, to keep reaching out, keep texting etc. Scary! But you know, it does settle down and it is okay to ask for reassurance. She’s been waiting for you to reach out I think.
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Q, I feel you. Ever since I started therapy, I feel like I’ve been very child-like and needy as well when I’m in therapy. I also realize that I act child-like towards my friend as well. Funnily enough, with my husband, I don’t act that way at all. It’s like I don’t want him to come close but I want my friend to. It’s strange.
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It IS strange. In my case, I have become very needy with my husband, “Do you love me?” And he says yes every time and kisses me and holds me. He doesn’t know why I am so needy right now but says he loves telling me. On the other hand, I am distant with friends and super-professional at work.
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Yeah, it’s weird… And you have a great husband!! 😀
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I marvel at how much E helps you, truly helps you. And the fact that you trust her – is huge. Even though it’s scary, I think being vulnerable is necessary. I’m relieved for you, E’s response to give you the reassurance you need. Abrazos
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Think you are being very open about the therapy process- not easy I guess ? Hope it takes you where you want to go.
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So do I! 🙂
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Fair enough. But also remember that it’s her job to take care of herself, not yours. xo
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[…] Saturday morning, I resolved not to reach out to E., my therapist. I don’t want to need her, I don’t want to wear out her patience, blah, […]
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