Q

Unforgivable

I don’t know how I can live with myself. I finally shared the secret with E., and she sees now how disgusting I am. She is trying to help, but I know it won’t be the same anymore. Some things are not fixable and not forgivable.

This is not a decent post, I know. I don’t have enough distance to have any insights from our conversation today.

I want E. to still be my advocate and supporter but I’m not sure she can. I saw her sit with her arms crossed, protecting herself from the muck that oozes out of me.

18 comments

  1. Who decides what a ‘decent’ post is? Your feelings are your feelings. One thing I learned in DBT is sometimes its ok to acknowledge your feelings, and its not necessary to judge them.

    And maybe your therapist will be ok with what you said, after she has time to process it?

    Either way, it sounds like you’re hurting a lot right now, and I hope you continue to find the strength and courage to cope.

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  2. I share the same sentiments as Andrew. Your feelings are your feelings, no point in hiding them. You have support out here and no doubt your therapist will be there for you as well. Keep going, one day at a time, you’ll be fine.

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  3. Hey love, like the previous commenters have said: your feelings are your feelings. If E judges you for your feelings, then that’s not fair to you and she shouldn’t be a therapist. But I am more than sure that she just needs time to process things. She wants to help, but is human after all. However, “processing” is not synonymous with “feeling disgust”. Don’t give in to those automatic thoughts. You’ll have time to discuss things with her. In the meantime, revel in the beauty of letting that little girl continue to speak. Much love and good vibes for you ❤

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  4. I have no frame of reference here, but I know how people treat people. I would still say that maybe you might give E time to digest all the information you gave her, before giving up. It’s not easy and I know you might not want to give her that time. I understand that too, I wish you peace….

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  6. It’s so hard, Q, I know how you feel. And it feels even worse when you feel like the person you really need, in this case, E, isn’t there for you – or that they feel “disgusted” with you. I love how strong you are and how much you show that through your posts – even if you feel like your posts aren’t “decent”. Sometimes, I feel like we see things too much from our perspective – could it be that perhaps E wasn’t “disgusted” but rather just taken aback? I don’t think a good therapist would ever be disgusted with their clients and from what you’ve described of E as being, she sounds like a very decent therapist. I’m not saying it’s one way or the other, but just wanted to throw a little different perspective because we’re sometimes easily caught up with our own perceptions of the situation. I hope things will get resolved and that you will get the support you need. Look around here, we’re all here for you. *HUG*

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  7. I agree with JL. From reading your posts, E is a very good therapist. I think she was steeling herself to hear your secret, holding herself tight because she knew it was a big thing for you to talk about and she didn’t want anything to throw you from sharing what is obviously a terribly painful memory. Someone so gentle with you while your secret was in the envelope(s) wouldn’t just do a complete about face on you. You’ve just shared the biggest secret of your life; of course your feeling vulnerable. It’s natural to feel that way, to have your shame resurface.

    You are so brave! *hugs* I know you probably feel the opposite of brave right now. But I’m standing out here, looking in at your life through your words, and let me tell you – I bear witness to your bravery with every post you make. You keep going. You keep sharing and being honest with your therapist. You have nothing to apologize for in this post, and you have nothing to apologize for in your life.

    Muck can be cleaned up. Dredged, drained, scoured, filtered. It’s never a nice job, nothing glamorous that someone would say ‘hey! that’s what I want to do with my life!’ but it can be done. And you know you have to get that cesspool out before you can go in and make repairs.

    ❤ ❤ ❤ My heart is with you.

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  8. I think this is a very decent post. It’s real and honest, and it allows your bloggy friends to support you. It is a great post. I don’t have a lot to say, but I wanted to send support and hugs. I wonder of E truly found you gross, or if maybe you are putting your own feelings onto her reaction? I hope that you are able to talk to her about this. Maybe an email to ask her what her reaction was, and tell her what you perceived it to be? I’m so sorry things feel bad. I think that, letting out what was in the envelope had to be so hard. And I think that, as terrible as it feels, it is in a way, your most precious secret. And who you chose to tell, and how that person reacts, is very important. It matters a lot. And if it feels like E reacted in disgust, that has to feel really awful. I’m so sorry for that. You aren’t gross, or disgusting, or bad. No matter what was in that envelope. Xx

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  9. No matter what you have done, no matter what has been done to you, no matter how you feel, no matter how awful and repellent and disgusting the pit is… Dear Q, you are climbing out. You are moving toward health. You will survive. It is so, so hard. I am sending you huge if you want them, and so many kind and compassionate thoughts and wishes to the little girl and also to you and to all of the yous in the past and future. I am so glad you are alive, and talking, and fighting. ❤ ❤ ❤

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  10. I’m sorry you are hurting. You told me that depression lies. I think shame/self loathing lies too. The feelings are real and important, but the interpretation, the negative messages about yourself, and about E. are not true. It feels true, but it’s not. You’re not any of those things. You are not disgusting. You are hurting. You need care and concern. Depression is good for something- to let you know that it was time for secret to come out. But now depression and self loathing need compassion, and not to take it out on you.

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  11. I don’t usually comment, but I do want to say that based on everything you’ve posted, E cares deeply about you and no matter what your secret is, will continue to care deeply about you. Your feeling of intense self-disgust might be colouring your view of her, maybe she was crossing her arms because she was concentrating? But I know it feels so so so real and agonizingly painful, I’m so sorry. I think you’re so brave and courageous for telling her your secret.

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  13. *hugs* I love you no matter what. I don’t think there is anything you can say that would change that. There is nothing you could have done that would change how I feel. I’ve shared some awful stuff. Some I still don’t understand myself. It took a long while to even feel almost okay with it. But I can tell you that I feel more at peace with certain things. Secrets literally eat us alive. Letting yours go was truly brave. 💜

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    • This was probably the worst I ever felt leaving therapy. Since then, she has proven over and over that she can be on my side. But I don’t know… I still think she was shocked. I think it was hard for her. ?????

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      • It is good that she is on your side and that you realise that, it can be hard I suppose for therapists, but their job and role is to be there for you through the hard stuff, XX

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