Today’s message brought to myself by Emotional Safety.
You were assaulted. It was a long time ago, but it haunts you still, in part because you never had the time or support to heal. That’s why we’re taking your Younger Self, back right after it all first happened, and putting her in a healing setting. But another part of healing is putting in place protections that ensure no other goblins can drag you down into their filthy caves.
Here’s what I suggest: let’s build a (metaphorical) fence around your (symbolic) house. A tall fence, hard to climb over. There’s a gate, and at the gate, a strong guard (a dog–perhaps a doberman?) who won’t let in any requests until you approve. I recommend you don’t give the okay until you have taken the time to consider these questions:
- Is this request consistent with my values?
- Is fulfilling this request going to be a healthy thing for me, or could it cause me harm?
- Is this the right time in my life to fulfill this request? Will it take time and attention away from things that matter more?
I’m asking you to stop saying “yes” so easily. Don’t be so quick to share your love, your personal information, your expertise, your trust, your body, your money. Those things are yours, and you get to choose how, when and with whom you share.
To facilitate this change, I’m offering you a new tool you can use. It goes like this:”Let me think about it.” That’s it. Five simple words to give yourself the time to consider the request. Some people will push on you, but the good thing about the tool is that you can repeat it and repeat it until they get the message. Also useful: “I will need more information before I can decide.”
You’ve always been the accommodating type. You were explicitly taught at a young age to do what is expected of you, particularly to do what men expect of you, no matter how you feel about it. That’s what you needed to do when you were very young, in the environment you were in. But as an adult, being overly accommodating doesn’t serve you well. It keeps you from choosing for yourself how to spend your time. It keeps you busy with other people’s priorities. It has allowed others to violate you, physically and otherwise. Let that part of your life be over.
I believe you’ll come to see that fences, gates, and guards–in other words, boundaries–are a wonderful thing. They give you the space to define to be who you want to be, to do what you want to do. They keep out the extra stuff that will exist in the world, stuff that may work for other people, but that you don’t want in your own life.
As you prepare yourself to live differently, you will need to be both brave and cautious. Brave enough to be vulnerable. Brave enough to face the impact of past violations. Brave enough to change. And at the same time, cautious enough to protect your emerging, stronger self.
Sage Burning 
yes! I love this! I so relate to being very complicit with external requests or demands, and ‘let me think about it’ is perfect.
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I am not the kind of person who always knows what she wants right away–not something I was encouraged to do as I was growing up. (I know many, many others have that issue too.) “Let Me Think About It” buys me time to figure out whether or not I really want to take that on.
I made a reminder for myself (now pasted in below) and posted in on pinterest, since so many people liked it. https://www.pinterest.com/laquemada/
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Thank you for sharing! I am going to use this resource. 🙂
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Q, thank you for sharing this part of your journey. I found myself nodding my head the entire way through this piece. I love this! So much of it is a good reminder for all of us survivors.
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Thank you Tracey! I do think it applies to many survivors. It is also a very big piece of where I am in my therapy right now – learning to trust my own instincts. And to do that, I need to give myself time and space to get to know my (up-until-now quiet) intuition.
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I love this. I don’t speak those two sentences often enough. Thank you!
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Try them out and see if they are useful to you!
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I am sure they would be. My son tells me all the time that I am way too nice. He is probably right!
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We should always listen to the voices of those who care about us and might see these things more clearly than we do!
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You are right! We think that we can just always push through when what we really need is rest and the ability to say no when we really want to.
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I really love this and find it to be a tremendous inspiration. I’m going to borrow those phrases for my own boundary setting 🙂
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Excellent! Let me know how it works for you. I’m kind of looking forward to trying this out. I think I will need to make a few cards to remind myself.
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You don’t have to borrow – I will happily give them to you, belated Merry Christmas or early New Year gift!
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I especially like the phrases you will use for allowing yourself time to think about requests. I needed a refresher.
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It’s fascinating to me that those phrases are what most spoke to people in this post. I hope you will try them out and see if they work for you.
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Brilliant post thank you! So important to have clear healthy boundaries and especially so if your boundaries were repeatedly violated at a tender age.
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Thank you! I am not really into New Year’s resolutions, but if I were to have one, it would to establish and maintain boundaries. It seems like one of the healthiest things I can do for myself.
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Yes! We get so trained into being acquiescent and accommodating until it really seems as if our own needs and wishes don’t matter, or even worse, until we don’t even realise we have needs, wishes, or even a self. It’s inspiring to see you feel your way toward safety and protecting the Girl.
But I don’t think that Doberman will be a scary guard dog. That’s a lovely, friendly-looking doggie! 🙂
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Ha! I know you are right. I love Dobermans; they are graceful, wonderful dogs.
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Love this. I’m definitely going to borrow these phrases! This post was particularly helpful! Thanks for sharing your journey with us, Q!
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Please take the phrases and make them yours! (And if you like the new picture I put in below, you can also get it here: https://www.pinterest.com/laquemada/ Of course, you can also make your own!)
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