I rewrote the Stephen story again. I wrote it in the third person (everything happened to “her” rather than to me). I did that because E. often has me talk about hard things that way. Partly it helps me depersonalize the scary stuff a bit and helps to reduce flooding. And partly, if I tell it like it happened to a different girl or woman, it is often easier for me to feel sympathy rather than negative judgment.
I also tried to make it as accurate as I could, given that my memory is fragmented in places. I did not embellish or excuse or blame. Just the facts, ma’am.
And then I emailed it to her in the middle of the night, so she will have it before we meet again tomorrow.
Why did I do this? In yesterday’s post, I said I was afraid of her judgment of me. But I thought about this some more. It’s not my job to try to control how E. thinks about me. I can’t control her thoughts anyway. But it is my job to worry about how I think about myself and my experiences. And clearly I need help with that, since it’s troubled me for years. And it’s her job to help me, which she can do better if I let her know what happened.
Surprisingly, I’m not even anxious about it. It’s the right thing to do so I can get better. Things that remind me of the experience with Stephen can often send me into another bout of depression. I’d like that to stop. I want to be healthier. I trust that E. can help me with that (no matter what she thinks).
Sage Burning 
Yes absolutely, it’s what you think that counts! It’s taken me a log tine to realise that I have no control over the thoughts and feelings of others. I can only be responsible for myself. Am glad you working through your feelings and facing the past as hard as it is.
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It seems so obvious, once you finally, really get it. I can spend a lot of time trying to get E. to think what I want her to think about me, which is not only impossible but also a crazy thing for me to be paying money for. Instead I can say let her think what she thinks–I’m in therapy to work on myself. But I know from a couple of my friends as well that it is terribly easy to fall into the trap of chasing a therapist’s approval.
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yes i get that too but as you say it’s important to remember that we are separate and that we don’t need their approval. Am so glad you are getting it and may it be the start of something beautiful
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I’m very happy you were able to do this. I also like how you put the story in third person, that’s an excellent idea I’d never thought of. Hope it goes well today.
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You might think of trying it out – using the third person to tell the story. It’s helped me feel less freaked out after an intense therapy session.
I hope it goes well too! Thanks for your good wishes.
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I love reading about how hard you’re working in your recovery how you rise to new challenges like this. I have a lot of respect for that. From what I’ve read I can tell it’s really hard.
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You know, it’s funny. It will feel hard for a while, and I’ll get stuck for a bit. Then I’ll think about it a different way and suddenly it doesn’t seem as hard anymore. Then the next thing seems hard , and I repeat the cycle. Obviously therapy helps a lot but also spending a lot of time writing about it helps me move forward. Thanks for reading and commenting, and especially for being encouraging.
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I’m so awed by your courage! And I’m happy that you’re able to realize that E is there to help. I’m glad to know that she is someone you can be honest with! Good luck with tomorrow’s session. I’m still not sure what I’m going to bring to mine tomorrow….
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It went pretty well overall… I’ll probably write about it tomorrow or the next day. I hope your session went well too.
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My session will be today in about 7 hours from now. Hehe…. I lost track of time and thought it was Tuesday already when it was only Monday. Oops. I hope my session will go well since I don’t really have much of an idea of what to talk about.
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Gah! So proud of you!!!! xoxoxo
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The “Gah!” makes me laugh. I’m not sure what I did to make you proud, but thank you!
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I think you faced your own self-judgment here, in telling the story (regardless of what version), and that is very brave and inspiring.
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The things we most want to hide, they are things we need to expose to the light. But damn, it is painful and difficult!
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Damn right it is!
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