My title might be an overstatement. But I’m not sure. In therapy today, E. wasn’t very crazy about some of destructive art ideas. It’s funny because she has encouraged the expression of anger. I showed her the post of the doll babies, which she said was “creative.” I talked about making little wooden men who represented abusers and planning to break or burn them. She didn’t seem to like that idea. What are you going to get from that? she asked, or something similar. She seemed to want to direct me to bring out my intuition, my trust of my gut instinct. But what does that mean? Why shouldn’t I tell my stupid stick men that what they did was wrong and then break them? I don’t even really understand what happened in therapy today, but I feel confused and distant from E. I feel like she doesn’t like the direction I’m taking; maybe she thinks I am too negative or focused on revenge. To me it’s not about revenge at all though. It’s just a symbolic opportunity to tell them all what I wasn’t able to tell them at the time. I don’t get what is happening, but I feel like she either doesn’t understand or doesn’t approve of what I am thinking or feeling.
If she doesn’t approve, maybe I am going down a wrong path? But does she always know? If she disapproves of me, I want to hide myself more. It’s terrible to feel vulnerable and disapproved of.
If she doesn’t understand, then I feel I am very alone in this work. I am not communicating clearly. Or not making sense. Or too much time passes between our meetings, and she loses the thread because she hasn’t seen me, even though I think in my head that things are connected. Or I’m just not fitting into her categories because I’m doing something wrong. And I want to hide myself.
How do we know what is good healing? How do we pick a therapy or decide to accept a medication? I am also trying to get a psychiatric consult at the university, because I have lost some faith in my psychiatric nurse practitioner. But then what do I do if I can’t trust my support team? And if I can trust them, then why do I feel a widening gap between me and E.? Why do I take four different meds and have physically painful anxiety attacks?
I need to think about this more. I know hiding isn’t really the route to healing, but it’s what I have wanted to do since leaving our therapy session. And now I won’t see her again until next Wednesday. I shouldn’t care though because at the same time, I don’t want any more therapy, but I do want therapy. Just not the kind that leaves me feeling I’m floating out here by myself.