(Day 2 of Be Brave)
Like so many others, I have a complicated relationship with Anger. I recognize the value of her fierceness. But I’m afraid of her, or more precisely, I’m afraid of letting her loose. She might take over and cause a lot of destruction that could be hard for me to clean up later. I don’t have any real experience with the healthy expression of Anger.
In my house, Anger’s has been making more noise lately. “Why do you only want to listen to Compassion and Intuition? You don’t give my any time and attention,” she complains. “I have things to say, too. No one wants to listen to me. You don’t want to listen to me.”
Last night while brushing my teeth, I asked myself, Why can’t I get over what happened to me? So much time in therapy, but I don’t feel done. I wondered whether it might help to make some symbol of my pain, wrap it up nicely and bury it. Or burn it. But that didn’t feel right.
Anger spoke up, “Burying it or burning the bad things when I haven’t even been able to speak just guarantees you will head back to therapy later.”
Yeah, I see her point, but she scares me. She knows she feels dangerous to me and wants to find a way I can let her have her say. So she came up with the idea that she would start by joining forces with Creativity to mutilate babies. Not because I want to hurt any real babies–honestly, I don’t, you don’t have to call Child Protective Services–but because hurting babies is a FUCKING OUTRAGE. And I think Anger wants to say that what happened was a FUCKING OUTRAGE, even if others didn’t notice or minimized the impact.
Here are a few photos from this afternoon’s project.
Sage Burning 
Q, I like it. I think Anger is terrifying too. I don’t want to get in a destructive rut. But anger is part of the grieving process. And I like the way that you came up with to show your outrage.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Very powerful images, well done in expressing them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very creative way of expression. We need to find more outlets like these. Some us can talk it out, but some of us need to write it or illustrate it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow. So powerful.
LikeLike
It’s quite horrible, actually, a bloody baby in the oven. But I like that it screams THIS IS NOT OKAY.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, it is absolutely horrible. But your abuse was horrible and your ability to convey that with paint and children’s toys is haunting and uncomfortable. It is definitely screaming. And it was definitely not okay.
LikeLike
Q, I am so proud of you! It’s hard to find a way to let anger out. How do you feel? Was there a release? At the height of my anger I joined a boxing circuit for women only and used to punch the crap out of “Bob” – a rubber head and torso that was part of the circuit. I would envision different faces. It felt soooo good.
LikeLike
That sounds kind of appealing right now! I feel very aggressive. I went to the craft store and bought more plastic babies and little girls and am painting them bloody and cutting their heads off. It’s so weirdly unlike me and so strangely satisfying! Also I am making these wooden stick men to represent various abusers in my life. And when I finish them I am going to smash them with a hammer.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I had a therapist who could see I needed to let the anger out in a physical way. Looking back it was obvious, I wore it like others wear a coat. She suggested the boxing class and I did it for a year while doing talk therapy. Eventually I didn’t need it anymore. I too went to yoga at the same time. The mix of releasing the physical aggression and gentle checking in with body and spirit was healing in so many ways. It’s important to listen to your body and find a safe way to give it what it needs. Now if I have big anger I need to release I buy the biggest squash or pumpkin I can find and take a hammer to it.
LikeLike
I feel the same and my therapist tells me that I need to not only acknowledge my anger but also allow myself to feel it’s entirety. He said acknowledging it is not the same as acting upon it. But like you, I’ve never had a healthy understanding of anger as my parents have always taught me that anger is bad. So I’m never able to be angry and when I do get angry, real anger, I’m like the Hulk. So with that fear, I try to always contain it which leads me to more depression as I turn the anger towards myself instead. I don’t think I kind hurting myself but I can’t imagine hurting others.
LikeLike
Your relationship with anger sounds a lot like mine. Maybe it would also be useful to you to break something? I also liked Tracey’s idea of smashing a pumpkin.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I was thinking of buying a punching bag. I always feel the need to punch or break something.
LikeLike
How creative you are! Well done. Keep working with anger. She has good valid points and needs to be heard! XX
LikeLike
My Wavemaster lets me have a great outlet for anger.
LikeLike
What is a Wavemaster?
LikeLike
A stand alone punching bag. The base is filled with water. I guess once it’s filled, it weighs about 250 lbs. I move it across the basement when I hit it. I put on some Pink, my favorite angry music, and punch away with my pink boxing gloves or smash at it with my pink baseball bat.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Check out my post from 5/21/2014
LikeLike
[…] time to write. Other forms of self-expression, such as drawing, playing the piano (badly) and mutilating doll babies are all worthwhile, but the primary thing for me is to […]
LikeLike
[…] “What about some wild painting? What about your mutilated dolls?” […]
LikeLike