“I’m very bad,” says the girl. I’m so bad!” She throws herself against the wall, enraged, wanting to hurt herself. The nurse pulls her back and pushes the button that inflates the padding in the walls. Then she holds the girl close and rocks her, running her fingers through the girl’s long hair.
Everyone’s pretty wounded up in the house these days. Anxiety races from one floor to another, looking out the windows, sure that something terrible may appear on the horizon at any moment. Depression is moaning and groaning from the basement. Intuition is worn out and gone to bed with a stomach ache. Authenticity says she can tells there’s no room for her until our leave of absence starts on October 1. Until then, she says, we are all better served by keeping the masks on and saying as little as possible about how we are feeling.
The Wise Woman tries to calm them all down, but they aren’t much in the mood for listening. Or rather, they can’t settle down long enough to take in what her words: “We will make it. We’ll get as much work as possible done, and then other colleagues will need to cope. It’s not a one-person show, and we are not indispensable. Then we’ll get a rest, and have time to attend to our physical and mental health. It will be a healing time, and a time for thinking deeply about what we want our life to look like going forward.”
Rage is playing the drums loudly right now, so the others have difficulty even hearing these latest words of the Wise Woman. Joy went to visit a friend in the next town and says she might be back next month.
12 more days.
Sage Burning 
Ugh. This is so hard. I think things are sounding more rough, because the wait for the break you know is coming….I don’t know. I just know whenever I am waiting for a break, the emotions of all my “parts” feel more heightened and stirred up. I hope this time goes by quickly. I believe you can make it 12 more days. And the wise woman is right; do what you need to to cope the next 12 days, get done what you can, but trust that your coworkers are adults and can handle whatever is left. I’m sending you lots of strength, good vibes, good thoughts, whatever you want to call it. Xx
LikeLiked by 3 people
Oh, and on more thing. The girl is not bad.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you! I don’t really think she is bad, but she still slips back into that way of thinking if we aren’t really working on it.
LikeLike
Tough stuff. Hang in there, Q. You (all) will make it.
LikeLike
Thanks, Andi. We will, we will make it. Now 11 days.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can feel the intensity and agony that is happening inside you right now, it is palpable through your writing. Your organization of parts and your emotional experience is quite interesting and fascinating to read about. I’m rooting for you, 11 days.
LikeLike
Thanks, Rachel. I’m always rooting for you too; you know that.
LikeLike
[…] early” to feeling waves of unexplained self-loathing. It happens faster and easier when I am working too much for a long period of time and see no end in sight, as happened to me last summer. I was so exhausted and so depressed that I took a three-month […]
LikeLike