For months I’ve been working in therapy to believe what happened to me as a young girl is really true. I remember a number of violations I experienced between the ages of about 13 and 21, but those that happened at ages maybe 4-9 are hazy. For years I punished myself for “making up” those memories, and E. has encouraged me to trust my intuition, believe the girl and comfort her. It’s been helpful.
But here’s what still confuses me: the girl is me, and not me. Anxiety and Doubt and Intuition and Compassion and the Wise Woman–they are all me. So who am I then? I’m dozens of selves that interact with each other. Is there a core “me”? Or is there nothing at the core, and I am only the self of the moment, Anxious Q, Workaholic Q, Avoidant Q? I sometimes imagine that at my core, I am the Wise Woman, and it’s my task (her task) to listen to the others but not let them take over, to care for the whole cluster of selves.
Lately I feel like the core self is the wounded little girl. She is supremely anxious and increasingly angry, and, in between, emotionless and disconnected from the world. And that is how I feel now in my life. I am very tired and overwhelmed by all the work I have to do. I am so anxious every morning that it’s a huge effort to get out of bed and go to work. I want to curl up in bed and hide from the world. I long to relieve some of the anxiety by burning myself, even just a little. It’s the weekend, and the weather’s good, and we were invited to a party this evening, but I haven’t left the house all day. I don’t call friends and don’t want to talk to anyone. I only want to be around my husband; he is quiet and easy. He demands little of me but is a sweet and patient companion.
Friday morning I was so agitated and anxious that I couldn’t imagine making it to work and being Professional Q all day. And yet, I had to. So I had the Wise Woman go into the girl’s room in the house where all my selves live and talk to the girl. “I need to get Professional Q to work. What do you need to be okay today? Should I get Intuition and Authenticity to come over? You’ve been spending time with them.”
The girl shook her head. “No, I don’t want them.” She didn’t want Tenderness or Joy either.
“So.. what do you need Little One?”
It will seem to any sane reader that I am making this up. But it didn’t feel as though I was making it, as though I was choosing her answer. It felt like she was a child telling me, “I want the nurse. I want someone who will take care of me because I don’t feel good.”
So that was new. I didn’t even know if there was a nurse in the house–but as it’s my house in my head, I found one. The nurse set up her desk in the girl’s bedroom, since the girl never wants to leave her room these days. She told the girl, “You can stay in bed and sleep or read books if you want. If you feel bad and want me to take care of you, I’m right here. If you get bored and want to play a game, we can do that. I’ll stay all day.” The girl was satisfied with that, and I went to work.
That evening, the Wise Woman (or I?) knocked on the girl’s bedroom door. She (we?) was surprised, when she entered, to see the mess. “The girl had a bit of a tantrum this afternoon,” the nurse explained. “She threw books and her stuffed animals around. She ripped up papers and beat on bed, some of the time yelling and crying.”
That’s a bit different. The girl is usually well-behaved and self-controlled. “She has done this before,” the nurse reassured us. “But it’s been a very long time. I think it’s probably good for her to get some of that anger out. And anyway, it’s so easy to clean up this house, we don’t even have to worry about that.”
Am I this girl? Or is she a figment of my imagination, a symbol of feelings I have? Or feelings I think I should have but cannot access? It’s just confusing sometimes. Meanwhile, my sleeping is off and my head is a bit discombobulated. Too much medication, perhaps. The astonishing thing is that colleagues at work haven’t seemed to notice. Professional Q has a really good mask that rarely slips. But it’s heavy, and she’s tired.
Image by Robert-Raik
Sage Burning 
I don’t think I’ve ever read a more apt description of how my mind works. Thank you, so much. You might be crazy, I might be crazy… But we’re not alone.
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No, not alone. Sadly, there are far too many people feeling like this.
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I’m new to wordpress, is there some kind of messenger function? Our thought processes sound uncannily similar.
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You mean to talk to one person in particular? There’s the email addresses on the websites. Otherwise there is a lot that just goes into the visible comments. Check out some of the others that comment on my posts – many of them also write about similar issues.
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Thank you. I’m only able to use the app right now so my knowledge of the site is limited. Its nice to hear from similarly minded individuals.
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Great piece.
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Thanks! And thanks for commenting – which led me to your blog, which I enjoy. I can also relate. I love the internet, and I’ve grown another appendage, invisible to others but acutely real to me, that is biologically attached to my laptop. And yet… is this right way to spend my short time on this planet? I’ll be interested to see what else you have to say.
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It’s ironic that you posted this because it is a line of thought I’ve been having for a while now. I wrote to my T that I am fearful I have DID and borderline…I think she would have told me by now but that’s how fragmented I feel. My little girls have no names but their feeligs are so intense and overpowering. And I don’t even think I have a wise woman anymore…I have a merely funtioning woman who shows up and I don’t even know anymore. You only have a couple more weeks until your leave…the nurse may have to stick around until then and I think the little girl really just needs you home all day (this is just a thought but I wonder if the wise woman could talk to someone at work and be honest that she needs to start her leave a bit earler than planned…it may inconvience them but her little girl is unwell…just a thought)
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Two and a half weeks to go. You are right, leaving now would be helpful to me in the short run. But in the long run, I want to have this job to come back to, and that requires I hang in there a while longer.
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Fair enough!! Two and a half weeks is very doable. I was thinking about you today and your girl feeling sick. My gram used to sit up with me nearly all night when I didn’t feel good (several times a week) She would make me hot jello water, tea, chipped ice with peppermint medicine (was schnapps lol). Maybe your girl would like jello? My son and I made that today and my girl felt a bit better. 💜💜💜
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Not a bad idea! Perhaps I’ll make some jello. Or drink some schnapps. 💜
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That made me giggle. Sounds good either way but make sure it’s peppermint schnapps with crushed ice cuz otherwise it’s not medicine.
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It’s getting harder and harder to wait for the time when you can begin to face the unimaginable.
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I think you are right. Perhaps I should have let Denial stick around until I go on leave October 1. Now that she knows I believe her, the girl is noisier.
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Hard to repress. That’s a good thing. Integration awaits you…
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“Lately I feel like the core self is the wounded little girl.” I was about to think to myself that I don’t HAVE a core self until I read that sentence and it just hit me in the heart – that’s me! My emotions, my thoughts, my doubts, my insecurities – it always goes back to that little girl. Hugs to you my dear – I feel your pain and unsuredness.
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I’m all out of words tonight. But I so get this. Sending hugs to you and the girl. Xx
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I don’t think you’re making this up at all. I have learned to just trust what my intuition tells me about myself (and my system). If something comes into my mind – sounds, words, images, sensations, etc – I try not to question their validity and just accept that it’s coming from somewhere within me that’s more dissociated from me.
And the identity question – phew, I definitely relate to that!
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[…] have also been thinking about who I am at the core, and whether I have a core. But in some ways, that is just a philosophical question. I am not sure […]
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