The upcoming return of Doubt is really frightening the little girl part of me. After all, Doubt’s main message has been that there’s no evidence that the little girl was abused. No one noticed at the time. There are no scars. My father, who has had a traumatic brain injury, has so many memory problems that he’d never be able to confirm the memories, even if he wanted to admit it. The memories are fuzzy and woven of a different fabric than most of my childhood memories. And Doubt uses all that to say, “it probably never really happened,” and “you made it up as an excuse to explain your long-term depression, which may just be a really bad attitude,” and other similarly friendly, upbeat comments.
Just the idea that Doubt will be returning, even with new house rules, is profoundly unsettling to the little girl. It causes a lot of inner turmoil and an increased desire to self-harm. The little girl thinks may she should just disappear.
Yesterday I wrote about rearranging a house that would contain all the different parts of me. Today I’m wondering about what that means and how it should work. Should Doubt even have a place in the house? Does the house represent my whole existence, so it needs to really contain all parts of me? Or is this house the place where the girl lives? If it’s the girl’s house, maybe Doubt shouldn’t get a room there at all.
One thing I am sure about: I need to protect the girl. She has become stronger during the two months I have committed to believe her. But she’s not fine. She still needs a lot of compassion and care. I still need to learn from her about the long-term impact of her experiences. Does allowing Doubt in the house put all that in jeopardy?
I’m feeling confused this evening, more anxious, hearing the whispers of Depression. Doubt may be even more unhealthy than I realized. Maybe the good things I noted about Doubt are all in other spheres of my life. Maybe in this sphere there is no room for Doubt at all.