There are two big questions on my mind. One is: how can I keep working this pace until October 1 when my leave starts? By Tuesday evening, I had already worked 27 hours this week and barely made a dent in my to-do pile.
As soon as I pose the question, the answer seems obvious. Of course I can’t keep up this pace. I need to start declining things, regardless of what others think. This means I will skip a three-hour management meeting on Wednesday morning that I know will not be helpful to me. And I need to go through my calendar ruthlessly and clean things off of it. Difficult and guilt-provoking, but absolutely necessary.
Second question: How can I keep moving forward in therapy without dealing in a more lasting way with my friend (?) Doubt. It’s been very healing to have sent Doubt away these past 55 days and to commit to believing the girl. It’s made me much nicer to myself. But some of the next steps, such as talking to my husband, can’t happen until I’ve done more than give Doubt a vacation. I feel I need to come to some kind of terms with her, terms I can hold onto even when I’m around my father. I was going to postpone this until September. But just like reducing my workload can’t wait until October 1, I think this can’t wait either. So it will be the topic I carry with me into my Wednesday evening therapy session.
Sage Burning 
I wish I were as logical as you. Your mind is very sharp and fierce.
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I love that word “fierce.” Thank you for that. Lately I have to keep stopping my negative voices from telling me that I am wimping out at work.
But I don’t see that you aren’t logical and fierce too… you know what is important and attend to that.
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It IS a good word. Those negative voices are so hard to silence. I’m very critical of stuff that I do, and don’t do. My emotions and impulsivity often take over and push logic in the closet. Poor logic is bullied by my emotions.
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I am glad to hear you are ruthlessly cleaning your calendar. You deserve to have less stress in your life.
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I do! And the good thing is that my supervisor actually acknowledged it. I was happily surprised by that, since I had felt she didn’t want to see it.
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Oh what a great validation! I hope that goes some way toward mitigating the guilt!
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Sending you strength and peace.
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Back at you, my friend!
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Two very important questions.
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I am in 100% support of clearing that calendar. Your workload is wholly unsustainable, for any human. I am inspired by your self-care, and being able to hold a couple of truths here: giving doubt a vacation has been very helpful, AND, you notice a need to attend to doubt in a deeper way. Nice work, Q.
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