You are feeling a lot of pressure right now. A lot of it is coming from your job and the unrealistic expectations there. But honestly, you’ve dealt with those for years. It’s maybe a little worse now than usual. But you feel it much more intensely because you are trying for the first time in your life to move beyond the pain of your past abuse to a place of healing. It’s a hard road and takes a lot out of you.
It’s okay to step away from work for a few months. It’s not forever. You are very good at your job, and you will probably slide back into it again later on, with no permanent ill effects. But even imagine the worst happens, and you get pushed out of your job. You have a range of skills and a wide network. You can do consulting work for a while and then start your own small business. A change like that might even be good for you in the long run.
The point is, whatever happens, you’ll be able to cope. You are fortunate to have a supportive husband, to live in a house that is not too expensive, to have marketable skills. You have options.
If your supervisor and colleagues aren’t entirely happy with your leave, so be it. They have also been off for a while, for various reasons. True, not for as long as you’ll be off. But they haven’t worked there as long as you have either.
Anyway, you don’t have a choice. Either you take the leave and get better, or you have to quit. It’s not possible to go on like this. You can say “I should be able to do it…” a hundred times over, but that won’t change the fact that you cannot keep going like this. It’s just a fact.
It’s a challenging situation, figuring out the relationship with your father and how much you are willing to help him, just at the same time as you are trying to wholeheartedly believe the wounded little girl. It’s hard, it just is. But take the leave from work will give you some time and space and allow you to rebuild your physical and mental health so you’ll be better able to cope. The fact is, you can’t be useful to anyone when you are so run down.
You’ve never allowed yourself a real rest before. It feels strange. It feels like you are indulging yourself. But underneath it all, you know it is necessary. Keep coming back to that whenever you feel guilty. It is necessary to take care of yourself. You deserve the care. Your life is worth something beyond what you contribute at work, and you are protecting it. That’s a positive, healing step.
What’s with the “Day 53” and believing the girl? It starts here.
Sage Burning 
Yes please look after you.
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We are so in the same sorts of place right now. I need to decide what to do as well. I feel so guilty for so many reasons. And I really want to change nothing because it’s easier to muddle through and keep digging my hole further. I’ve already talked about fmla with my supervisor and my T said she would do the paperwork for me. But on Friday my supervisor hinted that if it was her she would wait. Something about work being a good distraction and what if my hubby takes a turn for the worse and oh my gosh, it’s so complicated. Then I told her I can’t decide or make decisions. And she asked if I was making poor work decisions and ughhh, NO. I can’t decide for myself. I can’t make me sorts of decisions. And I don’t understand intermittent fmla and if I work part time how that works. And I still can’t concentrate and I’m still so behind at work and I didn’t go in this weekend and I just want it to go away. And like you, if I take a break a mayor may not want to go back and if I do fine, if I don’t that is fine too.
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Oh I know about all these mixed feelings. I have wavered about this for a long time before I just hit this point where it felt like there wasn’t an option any more.
Just remember when you supervisor says, “If it were me…” that is is not her, and she doesn’t know what your life feels like to you.
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There is so much you arw dealing with right now. I really believe that no one could work 55 hours a week and work through the other ugly stuff. Its no wonder things feel so difficult. You need and deserve a break from work. I really beleive that if any of your co workers had any idea how much you were dealing with, they would be very supportive in you taking a break. I’m sending hugs and support. Xx
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Thanks so much for this support! I read it yesterday morning before heading in to the office (sick to my stomach at the thought of this conversation), and the encouragement and support helped to bolster me.
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Thank you for telling me this. I am really happy to know I helped in some small way😊
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Such a loving and sensible pep talk – I hope it goes well today!
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I guess if I can write nice letters to the girl, I can write them to my grown-up self as well, right?
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Right! 🙂 Ps I just read your update – nice work. Really impressed with you asking for the leave. And look how it turned out, your boss was not only supportive, but relieved you aren’t leaving. Affirming outcome.
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Love this ❤️
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