You know how it can be hard to think clearly when there are too many things going on at the same time? You can’t even figure out which thing to focus on and which to filter out.
Next weekend will be challenging. We’ll be heading south for the memorial for my cousin’s son. His suicide is such a tragedy: the a loss of a warm, outgoing young man because in an impulsive moment he couldn’t see any hope of improvement. And it’s a terrible weight on his dad, my cousin, because it was his loaded, unlocked, easily available gun that ended his own son’s life.
Next weekend I will also be with my sisters and my dad, and it’s my assignment to start the conversation with my dad about how my sister can’t really care for him any longer. He’ll need to move into some kind of assisted living, but he doesn’t have the money for it, one of those unsolvable dilemmas. It won’t be an easy conversation with him. And it will be my first time trying to both be around my dad and believe the girl at the same time.
Also, we’ll be visiting my stepson, who usually lives very far away but is temporarily nearer to us. There’s this feeling that we are supposed to be maximizing our opportunity to enjoy our time with him. No doubt we can easily mix plenty of fun in with the memorial of a young suicide and planning the future of an aging, abusive father, right? Why not?
Let’s not forget the gigantic workload I have. Lately I work all day, come home, eat dinner, and work until bedtime, and I still can’t keep up. I am fried. I have a really interesting job, but no one can keep up this pace. I think I have six things due next week, including a presentation in another state.
And my girl, my younger, inner self–she wants attention. Sure, I can tell her to wait some more, but she’s already waited such a long time. She’s ready to work with me now.
It’s a trivial thing, but did I mention that my house is a mess? And it’s over 100 degrees?
But no pressure, right? It’s just life, and life can be chaos. It’s my job just to hang onto whatever is true and constant in my core while madness dances all around me.