Hello dear one,
Let’s talk some more about what happened with your father. Or rather, let’s not talk about what happened, but rather what you took from that. You took the belief that you are disgusting and dirty, and that your father saw you as something disgusting and dirty, and that’s why he felt he could do that.
I completely understand how “dirty” and “disgusting” come up for you. But I really want you to know that it is the behavior, it is what happened, not you, that is disgusting. I’m sure it felt very shocking and horrible. I get that you feel bad about it. But feeling bad is not the same as being bad. There is a really big difference, my dear.
In fact, you are the opposite of bad. All human beings come into this world beautiful and pure. They grow up in an imperfect world that can hurt them, sometimes quite a lot. But that hurt doesn’t extinguish the beautiful light at your core. It can’t. Sometimes when you feel bad, you think that light isn’t there anymore. You think it’s too buried in crap to let any light shine through. But I promise you, it’s there, and I can see it.