I messed up my anti-depressants last night. That is, I ran out of one without realizing it. So although early in the evening I was centered and focused on my task of believing the little girl, later on my attention shifted to what happens to my mind and body from missing even a single dose. Can’t fall asleep. Random thoughts crash around inside my skull. Can’t fall asleep. Finally fall asleep. Wake up 20 minutes later. It’s too hot. No, that’s the weather not the medication. Fall asleep. Wake up 30 minutes later. Read a little. Fall asleep. Wake up 20 minutes later. Dang, it’s going to be a long night. Repeat for many hours. Dream about fish. Surprise the dogs when I get up just after 4am and go to the bathroom. Hm, garden looks beautiful in this early morning summer light. Go back to bed. It’s 4:30. Did I sleep? Look at the clock at 4:40. Look at the clock at 5:15. Etc.
Alarm goes off at 7am. Definitely not rested. Sick to my stomach. Feel, weirdly, much less depressed than most mornings when I wake up. Feel nauseous all day; eat only carbs at lunch, get sick afterwards. Accomplish very little at work. Friend and colleague asks, “are you ok today?” Head in a fog. Count the minutes until I can go home. Come home, fall on the couch, doze until dinner. No insightful therapeutic progress this evening. Just going through the motions until bedtime.
I hope the little girl will be ok to wait until tomorrow for some love and attention.
On the plus side: While I am at work, my husband goes to the pharmacy and waits around to make sure they refill my meds for tonight, proving yet again that that day I randomly met him on the internet was a very lucky day, indeed.