My task for the next month is to believe the little girl–the abused little girl who needs help coping with her trauma. Believing her means I have to listen to her. And as my therapist reminds me, it’s not necessarily the details of what happened that I need to hear from her, but her feelings and the beliefs about herself she took from her experience.
But I’m finding that there’s a lot of noise in my head, and that makes it hard to hear her. She’s not used to speaking up and probably thinks I don’t want to hear her. I’ve sent Doubt away on vacation, since Doubt is skeptical and overly fixated on empirical data, often demanding forensic evidence that at this point doesn’t exist. Doubt has been active in silencing the little girl before. But there is other noise getting in the way as well. I’m not sure what it is. Fear? Distractability? I can’t seem to concentrate. Listening to that little girl is going to require a lot of restructuring of my thinking patterns.
That is extra hard when I’m so tired and sweltering through this heat wave with no air conditioning.
But enough complaining. If it were easy to listen to the little girl and believe her, I would have done it a long time ago. It will take effort. Some days I’ll feel more up to it than others. Some days she’ll feel more like talking. Everything in its time, right?