I agreed w E. in therapy yesterday that I would try on really believing the wounded little girl inside me, starting immediately and going all the way through July. I am trying to take this seriously. I envision it as a responsibility I have agreed to take on: for the next five weeks or so, it is my job to believe the little girl and to defend her from doubt.
(Damn, five weeks is a long time. Couldn’t we have started with a week?)
The best way for me to do this is to start by envisioning a girl who is eight or nine and who is confused and troubled by what happened to her. If I met a girl like this, I wouldn’t blame her. I wouldn’t question her on the accuracy of her memories. If her memories were confused and fragmented, I wouldn’t assume she had made it all up. I would protect her and comfort her
(But, but, but that’s different because I should remember more clearly. It almost seems like a dream. Maybe it was a bad dream.)
It’s not my job to doubt her. Other people can do that if they need to.
(But then am I binding myself to a lie? A confabulation, I think it’s called.)
E. says it’s like trusting your gut instinct. Sometimes you don’t know why you feel uncomfortable around someone, but you just sense that something is not ok. It’s important to trust that instinct. Your core self knows you were violated. You should trust that feeling.
I think I’m scared to wholeheartedly believe that little girl. But that is what she needs.