What happens when the person you believe abused you (but every now and then you still doubt yourself because of the fuzzy quality of the memories) is related to you and grows old? When he has been irresponsible with his money all his life and now can’t afford the care he needs? When he has never provided care to others but has always assumed that others will help him out when he needs it? When you feel for him as a human being who is sometimes confused and certainly vulnerable?
What do you owe to him when he is your father?
CREDIT: Image adapted from a photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash (Note: not actually a photo of my father)
Sage Burning 
Shake your head. Argue with yourself. Assure your inner child that no matter what, he won’t get a chance to hurt you again. Cry. Scream. Forgive yourself for whatever decision you make.
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Filial affection and familial love are two very different beasts…..I would if I could, probably help a little financially, but nothing else.
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I am struggling with this too, as my father (abuser), has cancer and is deteriorating quickly. Honestly, I feel I owe him nothing just because he was my father. He abdicated that right long ago. My struggle is more about what, if anything, I owe him as a grandfather to my kids. He was, admittedly, a far better grandfather than he ever could have been a father. But, the idea of reaching out even now is really hard for me. A part of me is still that small girl, so horrifically traumatized for so, so long. The idea of bringing her in contact with him that way is abhorrent to me. I dunno what to do. I haven’t found an answer yet. *hugs*
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*hugs back* and thank you! I think my little one just goes and hides in the closet and I interact with my father on a completely different level, wanting to be kind to him as a human being but in a sense feeling like he has nothing to do with me. It’s weird, like there’s a wall between the part that deals with him and the part that struggles in therapy.
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Nothing. You. Owe. Him. Nothing.
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I can see why you would say that, and I might say that to others in a similar situation. But I feel torn. You may have seen in more recent posts that I struggle with the I love you/I hate you feelings I have toward him.
Thanks for all your comments! I appreciate them.
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Oh I definitely understand and I apologize if my comment came across as oversimplified. I struggle with this so much. Although I have been completely estranged from my family since 2013, I still feel the push/pull. And the intensity of that was enormous while I was still in contact with them. I have tremendous respect for how difficult this is for you xo
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