Blah. Blah blah blah.
I hesitate to blog about being depressed. I feel like I am being so boring. What can I say that many others haven’t already said, probably with better words?
This feeling of having nothing interesting to say is the same reason I start to withdraw from friends, because I feel I have nothing positive to add. I’m no fun. I’ll drag them down. They won’t like me anymore. So it’s better not to bother them. And anyway I’m too tired. These are all the thoughts that go around and around in my head. Which makes me think I’ll just lie in bed and wait for this darkness to past. Which is also a lonely way to live.
It’s such a waste of a beautiful spring day, I think. I’m wasting my life, I think. Another reason to be aggravated with myself, to be discouraged, I think. I can see how the negative thinking isn’t helping, but it’s hard to stop it.
If you read my earlier post about therapy with Hannah, you’ll know what I mean when I talk about looking at the garbage in the garage. That’s what I am doing now in my current therapy too, in the hope that it will lead me towards longer-term healing. But right now opening up the boxes with all the garbage in them is making me feel very sick and is sucking the vitality out of my life.
I just want to crawl into a deep hole, the familiar pit, even though it’s dark and lonely there. That’s the tricky thing about depression: it makes you only feel like doing things that make you more depressed. I know this from experience, and yet I’m there again anyway.
CREDIT: Image adapted from photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash