I started this blog almost on impulse (as you might be able to tell by its less-than-coherent initial content). I had been playing with the idea of making a book just for myself. I have a collection of images, those I’ve made and some from others. I have journal entries from 20 years ago along with more recent ones. I’ve kept these very guarded. I’m a very private person about such personal things–only my husband and one or two friends know anything about my abuse history. So creating a public blog (pseudo-public I guess, since anyone can read it, but I have omitted my name) is the last thing I’d expect myself to do. And yet, last weekend, when I should have been working on my long to-do list, I started this blog. Over the last several days, I have felt funny knowing that such personal information was out there in the world. Why am I doing this? I asked myself, a question I answered with a list.
PROS. Good reasons to start an incredibly personal blog about abuse I’ve experienced and the long-term effects:
- To start to overcome the shame I’ve felt and really behave like I believe what I say I believe–that the abuser, not the abused, should feel ashamed
- To have a single place to put all the conflicting and confused thoughts
- To reach out to others with similar experiences (I’ve been so moved already by the kindness of others in commenting on initial posts)
- To learn more about blogging
- To experiment with ways to express my emotions and to get feedback, without jeopardizing personal or professional relationships that might not be ready to deal with them
CONS. What are the downsides? I don’t mean the small cost of the web hosting, or the time it takes. I’m talking about the personal downsides.
- Someone might recognize me through specifics about my history, or the way I write, or the drawings I post (I’m not ready–yet–to stand up and connect my name to my history)
- I might put together things that matter tremendously to me, find no one reads them, and feel hurt that my wounds remain invisible
- I might find I don’t have anything interesting to say that someone else hasn’t said more eloquently or with more wit
But when I look at these lists, the downsides are pretty hypothetical. And after all… I can always edit, or even delete it all later, right?
I definitely agree with this. Being “seen” through blogging and building a community around it has been so healing. But there is always that fear that I really am invisible.
Ah, but you have LOTS of followers, so you clearly are not invisible at all. Do you find that helps you?
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Absolutely! But as we just “discussed” (lol) I tend to put myself into the “least worthy/most disgusting” category. So I often wonder if my followers REALLY knew me, would they still care?? The eternal struggle.