Considering the Options for Harming Myself

Slaps – And hard fists pounding down on me. (I’ve done this before; it’s good if it aches for a while).

Pinching – It isn’t really satisfying, and it’s hard to make it hurt enough to bring any relief. Maybe if someone else did it… but no one would.

Cutting – I can see how people might do that, and it fits some of my requirements (hurts for quite a while, leaves a mark), but it has never called out to me. Or I’m afraid of it, maybe. (Though I did used to stick myself with sharp things, needles and tacks.)

Choking – I have thought about using a cord to make a noose and put it around my neck, pulling it a bit tight, just to see how it feels, explore what it would be to make everything stop. But I haven’t done that.

And anyway, I think that guns are more reliable for suicide.

But most of the time I’m pretty solid on my “no suicide allowed” policy, no matter how bad I feel. I remind myself I made that decision very rationally.

So if I’m going to keep living, I need to be able to cope.

Burning – This is the best way to I’ve found to cope with the worst of the darkness, with the noise inside my head. It can be just a little, just a quick touch of the hot iron to my arm or leg (sometimes it has been other places as well). And some of the agitation dissipates for a while. The burn hurts and hurts again when I put warm water on it or touch it. While it hurts, the agitation doesn’t hurt so much.

It’s a worthwhile trade.

I’ve been thinking a lot about burning my tongue. It seems appropriate, a penance for telling. It would hurt a lot, probably. But then, everything does. I wonder if it’s possible to do lasting damage to my tongue. I deserve that.

(February 2015)

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